Alcohol and Identity: A Path to Self-Love and A Sober Mind

What happens when the "mommy wine culture" sneaks its way into your life and transforms your nightly routine into a bittersweet conflict with your values? Jenn Kautsch, AKA Sober Sis, shares her journey from discovering the habit of wine o'clock in her 30s, far removed from her younger, alcohol-free years to enlightening others to what it means to truly become sober minded. As a working mom, she found herself entangled in the glamorization of alcohol, experiencing a dissonance that led her to reassess her relationship with drinking. Emphasizing a compassionate, no-shame approach, she dismantles the myth that addiction is a character flaw, advocating instead for self-love and true alignment.

Together, we unpack the emotional complexities of using alcohol to numb life's challenges, and explore how curiosity can be a powerful tool in evaluating one's drinking habits. Sobersis offers a refreshing perspective on embracing an alcohol-free lifestyle and the holistic well-being that accompanies it. We also dive into the supportive and judgment-free community she created with Sober Sis, fostering an environment where individuals can explore their paths with openness and courage. This conversation is a vital listen for anyone seeking personal growth and a deeper connection with their true self.

www.SoberSis.com

https://www.facebook.com/sobermindedsister
https://www.instagram.com/sobersis/
https://www.pinterest.com/SoberSis/

Join The Sober Sis 21 Day Reset Here: https://www.sobersis.com/21-day-reset-20241704734162895

Transcript

Journey to Becoming Sober Sis

Speaker 1 0:00

Thanks for being here . Thank you for having me , absolutely so . Could you kind of give us a little bit of background on how you became sober sis ?

Speaker 2 0:12

I can . We'll have to rewind . Rewind life a little bit . But how I became sober sis is a very unlikely story , because I , as a young adult , wasn't even really a drinker . I wasn't really a drinker until my 30s . So the fact that I'm in my 50s now and known as AKA your sober-minded sis is pretty ironic really , and I think it just goes to show that anyone can begin a relationship with alcohol and change it at any time , for any reason .

Speaker 1 0:43

It is a very fluid experience , right ? Yeah , I mean pun intended , I guess , but with the fluid part , but there is , these types of things can change , they can alter , so it's never , I guess . Is it ever too late , is it ever too soon ? Is it ever ?

Speaker 2 1:04

No , and I think that's what's interesting is that there really is a drinking highway , if you will kind of like , you can get on and exit off at any time . And that's kind of where I found myself in my 30s . I was a young , working married mom and just really started kind of finding myself in the networking happy hours and already had kids on the ground at that point , had been married to my awesome husband , craig , for almost a decade at that point and drinking was just kind of you know , it was all around me my whole life . But I didn't really have a cautionary tale around drinking . It was just kind of one of those social things that either kind of liked or you didn't like and for whatever reason , it just never really appealed to me as something that I was drawn towards or really enjoyed or even had friends that . It just wasn't a big part of my growing up years .

Speaker 2 1:59

And the culture changed a lot too , changed a lot too . I've done a lot of study on just our cultural changes around drinking and kind of the mommy wine , juice culture and wine o'clock these were words that were just starting to really get on the scene the rosé all day , you know t-shirts , and that was just starting to converge about the time that I was starting to become a working mom with my kids Almost , I think they just started school . So I was like , okay , I can be at home during the day , kind of do my thing at night , and then that's when I got into the happy hour scene . Before I know it it's book club , then it's date night , and then I'm just cooking in my kitchen and I was effectively drinking almost every night somewhere for some reason .

Speaker 1 2:46

Right .

Speaker 2 2:47

And that's okay . I'm not here as , like you know , the alcohol police are saying that that's necessarily a bad thing . But what I noticed in me was already a lot of cognitive dissonance off the top , right out of the gate , because I really liked the way it made me feel . Almost instantly I was really like , oh okay , I'm 32 . Now I get why people really love to unwind with this at the end of the day . And if you're saying that this is encouraged , glamorized and and I can do this too at the end of the day , well , it's certainly my reward and something I'm going to be looking forward to . So I'm all in .

Speaker 1 3:30

Which is so interesting . First of all , one of the things I love about Sobersis and your philosophy is that there is no shame involved .

Speaker 2 3:40

No , Like you said , it just won't serve the conversation really .

Speaker 1 3:46

It won't Shame doesn't serve anything other than shackles and binding . But the other thing that popped out to me that I love that you say is you're not the alcohol police . I'm not here to police anybody , right , and to to say that this is right or wrong . Right , it's . It's more of a conversation about , because a lot of times people look at addiction as a means of like . Oh well , it's a character defect , right , and I am here to say , let me say it loud and clear it is not a character defect , it's not a character defect Agreed , agreed .

Speaker 1 4:24

And I love what you're saying is that your process with becoming sober sis was really . I mean , what I think I'm hearing you say , was you learning to love yourself well and to see , wait a minute , something slipped out of my purview that I don't like it there .

Speaker 2 4:45

That's right . That's right , it was just misaligning for me .

Speaker 1 4:48

I love that phrase .

Speaker 2 4:49

It just didn't align with with me , mind , body , spirit , who I wanted to be as a wife and a mother and a friend , the way I was showing up in the world . It didn't align with my wine o'clock habit , which that's how it started . It all started just as a social pleasantry wine o'clock habit which that's how it started . It all started just as a social pleasantry Yay , that's fun on a Friday night . Then it turned into a kind of a routine where it's kind of like , well , that's what we do .

Speaker 2 5:22

And then it became something that I felt just again , not the physical addiction , but the mental , the emotional repetitiveness of it became just such a routine that I felt like , okay , now it's having more control over me than I have over it , from a mental , emotional , like I'm really looking forward to this wine o'clock , like , is it five o'clock yet ? So I would do everything , mindful , responsible , very , giving , very , you know , just on it I'm an Enneagram one , one , nine . So I was getting it done , keeping the peace , making peace , you know , making list . I was doing it all and then by five o'clock it just it had really entered into my life . It's like , okay , now I can transition from day to night . Now I can transition from you know mom to wife . Maybe it's just me time .

Speaker 1 6:12

Yeah , and it's , it's . It almost sounds like you're saying it was a form of you being able to check out .

Speaker 2 6:16

Right , right , check out from the over responsibility , the overthinking , all the overs .

Speaker 1 6:22

I was kind of over it , yeah , yeah .

Speaker 2 6:31

And um and the . The thing about drinking in our very alcohol-centric culture is I could get a girl's night out any night . I wanted just text a few friends and pick our favorite margarita spot or a place to just kind of hang out , and again , that was great .

Speaker 2 6:40

I think what we were doing was really wanting to connect great point and I think that that's what I've learned is that connection really is the antidote to addiction . And addiction , in my case , doesn't have to mean a physical addiction . It can mean anything that you're doing repetitively but still getting negative consequences or a negative response . And for me , the duplicity that I felt inside was what was tearing me up internally . But here's the deal Externally I looked like everybody else . I didn't lose anything , I didn't get a DUI , I don't have a big rock bottom story . It just was misaligning for me , and that was enough to look at it to look at it .

Speaker 1 7:26

That is so well said . That is so well said . You used a phrase show up , yeah . That is one of my favorite phrases right now is are we aware of how we show up ? Are we aware ? Are we showing up for ourselves ?

Speaker 2 7:51

Exactly , and you're saying I felt like I wasn't showing up for me is what I'm me .

Speaker 2 7:53

Yeah , yeah , because it it really became about my relationship with myself .

Speaker 2 7:58

Um , because what was happening was I woke up with all of these good intentions , um , you know , the detox to retox loop I talk about it all the time where it's just this loop of like doing all these things . But I was doing all these things for myself . But then in the evening , that unwinding , that retox , that undoing , it was almost like a form of abandoning myself , because what would happen is , from five o'clock on , I started getting smaller . I started getting much smaller in my own life and I started to minimize my presence , my own presence in my family and in my own life . And before I know it , I'm the woman at the kitchen sink who's on my third glass of wine thinking how did I get here ? This was not my goal this morning . It's not really even my goal in life how I want to show up , but one thing's led to another , and now I've just kind of shrieked back into the corners of my life and I just , I'm just playing small , I'm showing up that way and I don't like that .

Speaker 1 9:05

That's one of the greatest gifts you've been given is that sense of you . We're created in the image of the creator and it's it's bearing that image out well that gives us that sense of peace . And you , coming to that place of I just don't like . I love the cognitive dissonance . Yeah , it didn't settle well with your soul and out of that came this desire to give away what you're learning .

Speaker 2 9:37

Yeah , because really I'm the girl next door , I'm the mom next door , I'm the wife next door , I'm the carpool gal in your line . I am that person . And yet I thought , well , how can I be struggling with this ? And for me it was really humbling to realize oh , wait a minute . Anything that we make bigger than our own presence , or even listening to the Holy Spirit's whisper inside of us , can take that place and something and something's taken that place , and now it's . It's got me by the hook a little bit . And how can I break free without it being about legalism , performance , love , that my Enneagram one is just trying to do the right thing for all the wrong reasons . I want to do the right thing for the right reasons . I want to feel aligned , and that's where the journey's taking me I love that , yeah , because I think that alignment is that place .

Speaker 2 10:34

It's where we're like humming along like a well-tuned uh car well , and even even with drinking I can honestly say now I drink what I want , when I want , and that feels freedom to me . My goal was never to want to drink and learn how to not drink .

Speaker 1 10:52

Right .

Speaker 2 10:54

Or whatever substance or choice that people are making . To me , it's more about being sober minded .

Speaker 1 11:00

That's one of the things I love about Sober Sis . I just wish you had Sober Bro too .

Speaker 2 11:06

I know sober sis , I just wish you had sober bro too . But I love .

Speaker 1 11:08

The fact that it's not about this isn't about like abstinence for the sake of abstinence . It's all about understanding your relationship to whatever .

Speaker 2 11:19

Exactly . I think a lot of the principles and mindset tools that I've used apply to so many areas of life because it is about you know having a strong why , why you're doing what you're doing , how to create small wins , how to live in your own presence and not numb out or check out and and feel all of the feels . I know a fan favorite of you and I both is Renee Brown , and you know she talks so much about .

Exploring Alcohol and Identity

Speaker 2 11:50

You can't selectively numb and that's what I was trying to do was numb the anxiety that I had from raising teenagers , numb the loneliness Sometimes I felt in my marriage right Numb the boredom right .

Speaker 2 12:04

All the things , but I wanted to keep my joy and my resilience and I wanted to keep those things , my resilience , and I wanted to keep those things . But when I was drinking , I was , I was numbing it all .

Speaker 1 12:13

And it's it . What I hear you saying is is you were trying to show up for everybody else , but you weren't able to show up for you .

Speaker 2 12:20

It's like I you don't have to worry about Jim couch , she's not going to drop a ball . Oh , meanwhile , I'm dropping the biggest ball of all which is I'm dropping my relationship with myself .

Speaker 2 12:29

That's it . And that's where I really started working out of the gate , was rebuilding trust with myself , right , so that when no one was around . You know , I grew up in a really strong , solid home and I always learned that you know character is who you are when no one's looking , when no one's around , who you are when no one's looking , when no one's around , even when it's just you and your desires and your longings and aligning with you . It's got to match . It's got to match . I wanted to match the inside and the outside .

Speaker 1 13:00

Which is exactly what you were describing with cognitive dissonance . Yeah , it has to match , it has to match , it has to line up . That sense of dissonance is when something is , like you said earlier , misaligned and when it doesn't feel like it goes together .

Speaker 2 13:16

Right and that was yeah , it was miserable , it was exhausting , and I think one of the things that I've learned along the trail is that we're not broken , just our pattern is broken . That is so right and that can be fixed . That's so right .

Speaker 1 13:33

And .

Speaker 2 13:33

I always thought I was broken , like something had gone wrong and I needed to like . Like you said , it wasn't a moral defect , that I wanted something that took away my negative reality .

Speaker 1 13:46

Right .

Speaker 2 13:47

That's a human thing , right ? That's a human desire to want to bend or change reality when it is difficult , unpleasant or painful , sure , and yet it's also human to be able to stay .

Speaker 1 14:00

Absolutely . It's like when we get hot . I mean , here we are at the time of this recording we're cresting into summer yeah . Boy , we are slamming into summer . Yeah , boy , we are slamming into summer ?

Speaker 2 14:09

Yeah , we are , and it's heating up outside .

Speaker 1 14:10

And what do we want ? After we've been outside for a while , we want to come into a cool space . Sometimes we don't have that at our disposal and we have to find a way to find shade or cool ourselves in that moment . And that's the physical realm . And sometimes we have the ability to step away and to distract in a way that doesn't isn't harmful to us . But then in other times we distract through harmful ways and so , yeah , I , I , I think what you've done is brilliant . I've always been a huge fan , Always .

Speaker 2 14:45

You really have a huge fan .

Speaker 1 14:52

Yeah , always , you really have . Yes , I have , you have . So , so walk us through . If somebody's contemplating this , if , if there's a , if there's a lady out there that's listening and who's contemplating , I want to check more out . I want to check this . Sober sis , deal out when , where does one typically start with sober sis ?

Speaker 2 15:06

Yeah , you know I , I really created sober , sis , um , in an effort to create what I wished I could have found , which is a safe place to wrestle , talk about out loud your relationship with alcohol without having to slap on a label , say you're never drinking again . Maybe that's too extreme , maybe you can be a mindful drinker , maybe that works for you . You know , like I want to encourage women to be curious . I think curiosity is the key and so just to be curious about your relationship with alcohol .

Speaker 2 15:43

You know , the wrong question is the one I was asking myself for many years which kept me really stuck . And the wrong question is is it bad enough , jen ? Is it really bad enough ? I mean , come on , you can take it or leave it . I mean , granted , you're going to take it more than you leave it , but is it bad enough ? I just would look around A little bit of a comparison trap there , because I could always look around and find somebody who was drinking more or more often , or had a more negative relationship with drinking than I sure did , and so that kept me stuck .

Speaker 2 16:15

But the right question is is it good enough ? Is it good enough for me Wait a minute Is this good enough for the way I want to show up ? Is it serving me in my life Again , taking away the external , internally ? Is it serving me or is it taking a lot of bandwidth ?

Speaker 2 16:33

And so if you're starting to feel like , you know , I just like to pull off the drinking highway to a rest stop , go with my analogy here , pop the hood , check out . You've got some warning lights , some gauges are saying you know , low fuel , or or some lights blinking . You're like , what does that mean ? Well , I don't know . Let's pull over and talk about it , let's look at it , and then you may get back on the drinking highway .

Speaker 2 16:55

You may get on a different highway and decide you know what I think I want to pursue , what it would be like to maybe explore an alcohol-free lifestyle . It's an option , but I'm options , girl . I lifestyle it's an option , but I'm options , girl . I'm all about the freedom to choose , because you take away the freedom to choose and you take away freedom , and so I think the freedom to choose starts with curiosity , and so that's where I invite women into a just a normal conversation where you can talk about alcohol and drinking , and again in an alcohol centric society where I would say most people have a relationship with alcohol of some kind right , and you just want to renegotiate yours .

Speaker 1 17:37

God , there's so much freedom there , as you said . And the thing that I love about that is curiosity . Yeah , that's . One of my favorite favorite ideas is let's look at this instead of being judgmental .

Speaker 2 17:50

Yeah , and so binary and so linear , yeah .

Speaker 1 17:55

Yeah . What can we learn from this ? How do we walk through this curiosity rather than certainty and judgment ? Love that .

Speaker 2 18:03

Exactly Because if we go for just behavior modification , you can even start to identify too much as , even say , a sober person . I don't even say I'm sober . I know AKA , I'm sober sis , but it's really short for sober minded sisters . And so for me , my identity is more in who Christ says I am and in the truth of my Ness , my gen Ness , that is one of a kind .

Speaker 1 18:30

You've said that for a long time . Your .

Speaker 1 18:31

Ness and I've always loved that because it is that sense of true identity , that rock solid who were you uniquely made to be ? And really owning that and seeing that . And I love the idea of sober mindedness because it expands . We can be very myopic and bring in one view of one thing , of one topic , and really make that the focal point . But what I've always , what I've always when I was , when I was learning to drive , one of my siblings who they're all much older than I am , one of my siblings who they're all much older than I am , one of my siblings said to me hey , I really want you to think about when you're driving down the road and you're on a two lane highway . I don't want you to look at the oncoming lights of a , of a truck , you know , big Mac truck , so to speak . I want you to be looking over at the right hand side of where you're trying to go .

Speaker 2 19:26

I love that .

Speaker 1 19:27

And I just remember thinking as a , as a teenager to me everything was analogous . It's always been that way my whole life , and I was like , oh , I think that's probably true in life that we stare at the things , that what we stare at will tend to drift toward , and that's what my sibling was trying to tell me is , when you stare at something , you drift toward it .

Speaker 1 19:47

So stare at the aim that you want to be , and what you're saying is you're trying , you're , you're imparting to these women is , rather than looking at alcohol and saying , let's look at alcohol , let's examine alcohol , no , let's look at our Ness , your Jen Ness , your Lee Ness your Sally . Ness , your Ralph Ness , your Jen-ness , your Lee-ness , your Sally-ness , your Ralph-ness .

Speaker 2 20:11

I know you don't deal with guys , but yeah , but that's my dad's name , so that'll work .

Speaker 1 20:15

Oh , who knew ? I didn't know that that's really cool . So there's that space of us moving through this to find more of us , and when we focus on that , the curiosity brings forth .

Speaker 2 20:31

Well , it becomes really positive and empowering instead of fear-based and oh . I'm walking this straight line . I'm trying not to fall off . No , I'm walking free and direction matters a lot more than speed . So if I have , the right it , done it , thank God . And so , yeah , that direction , and I've learned , and what I teach is to focus more on what you're gaining , not what you're losing .

Speaker 1 20:57

You said something a moment ago about because you can become overly I forget how you said it , but that we can be too focused . We can be like the sober police and when you think about that , alcohol is still ruling your life Exactly , it's still there .

Speaker 2 21:11

And it's like let's let it go Versus it being shrunken down to it being so small and losing its value . Love that . That was a big part of my relationship with alcohol . It had a high value to me . Like I can do hard things if I can have a glass of wine before we go . I can show up and be super fun , Jen , if I'm a little tipsy , a little buzzing at the party , and what I've learned is no , actually , if we focus on what we're gaining , not what we're losing , and we can be all there , all there , then alcohol , just it starts to lose its value and it just falls off instead of you dragging it around constantly Like a ball and chain .

Speaker 2 21:52

Yeah , like arguing with it , right , just like we argue with reality . What if we just leaned into reality instead of resisted ? It got curious and then we didn't numb out or check out when things got hard .

Speaker 1 22:03

And that is my whole piece about curiosity is that it can show us where the shackle begins . We can let go of it , we can drop it , and it's there . Alcohol we still have to navigate alcohol because , like you said , it's in our society like it or not . It's there , yeah yeah , but then our relationship to it changes and we can dance with it in a different way , where we are more free .

Speaker 2 22:28

Absolutely . I , just I just . If anything , I just have gratitude . Now and when I'm around you know people drinking I just I , just my desire , my goal is to stay in my own lane , just stay in my own lane and , um , you know , people are going to make their choices , just like I made mine . And if anybody would have tried to have changed me ? Well , we all know that doesn't work you can't change other people .

Speaker 2 22:52

So you know people . It's just like any other personal choice . You've got to be driven to want to do it for yourself .

Speaker 1 22:58

Yes , and there has to be something like you're saying driven to want to do it for yourself .

Speaker 2 23:08

Yes , and there has to be something , like you're saying driven to want to do it yourself because it comes from inside . Yeah , something pulling you forward instead of just something external or a person pushing you . I'd rather be pulled towards something than pushed .

Speaker 1 23:14

Absolutely , Because the push there's always , the resistance right .

Speaker 2 23:18

But if I'm being pulled , I'm just , I'm moving forward .

Speaker 1 23:20

It's on my terms , yeah , but if I'm being pulled , I'm just , I'm moving forward . It's on my terms , right On your terms , and curiosity is how you learn what your terms are , because if we're unaware of ourself , like you said , you were losing that sense of you

Embracing Identity and Curiosity

Speaker 1 23:32

. If you don't know who you are , if you can't show up as Jen , as wonderfully , fully , all things that that our creator made Jen to be , then how do you know what you're being pulled toward ? And to me , that's where curiosity is is key is that you're curious and you get to show up more , to use your phrase , with your nest .

Speaker 2 23:56

Well , and that makes the journey ongoing . It's not a destination , right ? We always have heard that little cliche . You know , it's not the journey . I mean , it's not the destination , it's the journey . And so same here . Just because I'm now choosing to live an alcohol-free lifestyle , because that just fits , it fits me better , it fits my nest better , quite honestly , it's just more aligned and I just feel better . I feel better physically , mentally , emotionally , spiritually , and I think it's part of my God calling as well . I think he's given me a unique assignment in life .

Speaker 1 24:34

And you are answering that call so beautifully . I will say , from my perspective , watching you develop Sober Sis and all of that . You are answering that beautifully and I want to say thank you because it is so nice to have a place where I know that curiosity , that the sense of judgment and certainty is not going to be there , judgment and certainty is not going to be there , but curiosity and openness and conversation , but that there's a solid foundation and a ground from which people can stand . That is a really wonderful thing to be able to encourage people to check that out . So thank you for that .

Speaker 2 25:19

Well , you're welcome . It's been fought with a lot of challenge and a lot of growth that I wouldn't want to change or have any other way .

Speaker 1 25:28

Yeah Cool .