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Restoration Beyond the Couch
The Beyond the Couch with Dr. Lee Long podcast is intended solely for general informational purposes and does not represent the practice of medicine, therapeutic and psychiatric services, nursing, or other professional health care services. It also does not constitute the provision of medical, therapeutic or psychiatric advice, and no doctor/patient relationship is established. The information on this podcast and any materials linked from it are used at the user's own risk. The content provided through this podcast should not be considered a replacement for professional medical, therapeutic, or psychiatric advice, diagnosis, or treatment. It is important that users do not ignore or postpone seeking medical, therapeutic, or psychiatric advice for any health or mental health condition they might have, and should always consult with their health care professionals regarding such conditions.
Restoration Beyond the Couch
Dating & Self-Discovery
Unlock the secrets to creating meaningful and lasting relationships with our latest episode featuring Dr. Lee Long and co-host Lila Pond. You'll gain valuable insights into understanding the essence of self-awareness and how it serves as the cornerstone of any healthy connection. From dissecting the impact of false beliefs on self-perception to navigating the complexities of empathy, we challenge you to rethink the way you approach intimacy and promises of change in relationships.
Subscribe to continue this transformative exploration with us.
Welcome to Restoration Beyond the Couch. I'm Dr Lee Long, and in this episode I'm joined by my co-host and relationship guru, lila Pond. She's a licensed professional counselor and supervisor here at Restoration Counseling. Today we're diving into a topic that affects all of us dating and relationships. Together, we'll explore real-world applications for building healthy relationships, navigating challenges and fostering emotional well-being in dating. Whether you're single, in a relationship or just looking to improve your approach to connection, this conversation offers valuable insights and practical takeaways. Your path to mental wellness starts here.
Speaker 2:So welcome today for our podcast here at Restoration Beyond the Couch, and our guest today is Dr Lee Long and myself, so I guess we're like co-hosting today and co-guesting, co-guest, co-host. I love it, that's right, all right, and both of us are actively seeing clients and working with people, and today's topic is something that has come up quite often and we wanted to present it as a forum of thought.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, and our topic today is dating and relationships.
Speaker 2:That's a big one. It's a big one.
Speaker 1:So, before we dive into the idea of finding the right person, I think it's appropriate I think both of us have decided it's appropriate for us to talk about how we find ourselves.
Speaker 2:Very key.
Speaker 1:It's fascinating that we spend so much time thinking about what we want in a partner, but how little time we spend understanding who we are and why we want the things that we're looking for out of a partner.
Speaker 2:You know that's so important and so often it is turned into a checklist instead of traits and connection places. And how do we connect to one another? Where are the points that give us connection? How can I feel safe with a person? Do I view myself as valuable in this equation or am I just trying to please someone else? Those are all heavy things.
Speaker 1:They are big things. One of the things I think that the place that I want us to start, that we both have decided is the best place to start, is that understanding of us, and we talk about it in the terms of intra-personal awareness, or that's just kind of a fancy way of saying self-awareness, and do we have that? Do we bring that to the table?
Speaker 2:Is it okay to point out that in that self-awareness, we have to be able to separate out false beliefs and views of ourself that lead to these insecurities? Is that what you mean by intrapersonal, that we've also got to get down to what's really true? Yes, okay.
Speaker 1:And the sense of our value set, our value system, is really key and pivotal to that. I believe in God and God is my center point, the place that I go to to understand who am I according to who he says I am.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:And I know that you hold a similar value set Absolutely, but say more about that.
Speaker 2:How does that help you define you inside of you?
Speaker 1:I think our values define us in the sense that we know that's, that's kind of that anchor point.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:When, when God created man, he said very good. Or mankind, he said very good, right, and so we cannot have an origin point of understanding ourselves as anything other than we're good. So what does that good look like? Where do we begin with that? We're good, so what does that good look like? Where do we begin with that? What are the unique things that we're gifted in, that we were given as gifting points?
Speaker 2:and that doesn't mean that you don't make mistakes. It doesn't mean that you don't at times fall short of those gifting points. I don't know about you, but most of us, our best attribute is also our biggest potential, achilles heel. Yes, exactly, or it's the flip. There's a flip side, right. So I could be sensitive and that could be a gift and a very good quality and I could step over the line and it could become something that could trip me up in a relationship with myself and with someone else.
Speaker 1:Yes, and one of the things that I've seen is that you know you can have the gift of empathy, of that care for others, right, that ability to see into a situation beyond just you. But the flip side of that is, where are you? You can over empathize, you can over give of yourself, you can overdo, you can, you can internalize and interpret things in a way that maybe aren't appropriate. Because there's two things kind of colliding in my mind here is that, um, why are women more likely to burn out or what? And it's typically because it's mothers are more likely to burn out. Likely to burn out is because you know, from the get go, mothers are oriented toward their children to be giving, to be understanding, to be searching for what they need. And then, as that child grows, does the mother also inversely grow away from meaning giving the that space for that kid to be independent?
Speaker 2:Boy. That is so powerful because what happens is that all of a sudden, identity becomes what I do, and that's when we get. I know this may not sound like it's connected to dating, but it is so important in dating, because if it's all about what I do, how I look or what how I perform, then I'm in charge of the outcome, right. And so mothers with children we're told from the minute we find out we're expecting, we're told oh, you don't eat this, don't do that, sleep on this side, sleep this way, don't be around smoke, don't get your heart rate over a certain amount. In other words, you're in charge of the outcome, or so it seems. And then a big key factor is I have to keep them alive, right. And so then that can often translate into over-caring or over-identifying with an outcome.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and that whole idea of it's my job to keep them alive, then at what point is there a transfer to now it's your job to keep you alive?
Speaker 2:And isn't that powerful in the intrapersonal impact of knowing yourself? Is that, yes, at a certain point, okay, I may not. May, I do play a part in keeping the relationship alive. However, we both play a part in that. So you talked about self-awareness and I think that has to then lead into self-acceptance. I can accept the fact that you know I've got some shortcomings and that's okay. I can be aware of them, I can accept them. Then I can take action, I can work on me, but it doesn't change my identity or my value, right, and that's where confidence comes in. That's where we can stand safe in the knowledge of who we are and what we bring to the relationship.
Speaker 1:I think you're spot on on and I think that being confident and staying safe in what we are understanding, our safety, that what we bring into the relationship, I think is a real pivotal understanding before you begin to date, it is having your house in order. I think, at the same time, if you're young, it's having your house in order to the point at which you understand.
Speaker 2:Your ability, there you go.
Speaker 1:And I think it's as we grow older in our brain we physically mature Right that we have a greater capacity to have our house in order.
Speaker 2:Exactly. I don't know about you guys out there in the world or you, lee, but I know that I can put my house in order, but it gets out of order very quickly because we get in a rush, I get in a rush, or somebody else gets in the kitchen and moves the pots or the pans, right, but there's always the ability to come back to order. But I got to know what my order is right.
Speaker 1:Yes, I love your analogy about your kitchen, because you have a place for those pots, right. You have a place where your silverware goes, where your towels go.
Speaker 2:Gosh, I hope my husband's listening to this. There is a place right.
Speaker 1:And that's that process of knowing who I am. I know where my proverbial pots go, I know where my proverbial silverware goes inside of who I am. And knowing who you are, I think is very important because when you are picking a person a partner, a date, a mate you're picking someone who is they may be very different from you and you do not want to always be moving your silverware drawer around your kitchen to match somebody else because that's what they want around, or that we move ourselves around in a relationship so that we're accommodating to somebody else as opposed to joining somebody else.
Speaker 2:Well, that is so good. And the process of knowing myself is a lifelong process. It matures, we become more secure in areas that perhaps we were insecure in at a younger age. We began to realize that these false core beliefs are not the truth. Just because the teacher yelled at one of us, or because perhaps we were called a certain thing as a kid bullying, whatever planted, that it doesn't mean we have to carry, that we grow in the process of not negotiating who we are with other people.
Speaker 1:I love the way you said that it is not negotiating who we are as a person as we join with somebody people. I love the way you said that it is not negotiating who we are as a person as we join with somebody else. Right, Because one of the things that I find, and I think you would agree, is that when, when we have a to use your terminology the false core belief that we're walking around with, that we're scattered or we're stupid or we're lazy, we will tend to gravitate to people who are happy to press that button to show us yes you are stupid.
Speaker 1:Yes, you are, because we're looking for that.
Speaker 2:Or they may not even realize they've just stepped on a landmine. That's right. And so what happens is our body begins to respond. We then get the idea that they meant to do, that. We start coming to all these conclusions assumptive conclusions about what someone else may or may not be thinking, and then we've disrupted the relationship, and they may not have intended to. And then there are those who do intend to, right.
Speaker 1:Yes, and that's where it comes to the interpersonal awareness. Is that the intrapersonal is knowing what we bring to the table, knowing where our landmines are, and the interpersonal awareness is what that dynamic between us and another is going to illuminate or bring to the table.
Speaker 2:if somebody either intends to or unintentionally steps on a personal landmine for us, I like to think of it, lee, as I know we use the term triggers, and triggers are external. If we can keep that in mind in our dating lives or in our relational interactions that these triggers, we can't control them, we can't always predict them. Sometimes we might be able to. However, they're external, so that's an uncontrollable thing. But what happens inside is an activation of something very, very significant about ourself. So if we have that activation site of I'm safe and I'm valuable, if we have those two activation sites secured, then when we get triggered we're less likely to be as intensely. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It just means we manage the hurt from a vantage point of self-acceptance and self-love.
Speaker 1:And I think that's I'm so glad you brought that up and that's a brilliant way to conceptualize that, and I think the way it shows it practically shows up. An example is if you're in a relationship with somebody and you say something to them, they go in your, your activating site is I'm not that smart? And they're dismissive of um, that's, that's stupid. I don't. I don't think that. I don't. I don't think that's true. Where'd you read that? What article are you listening to? Is that site real? And they start challenging your information, it, it, we are. There's that wiring there to go back to.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, yeah, I'm stupid. Here's an. Here's an example of how stupid I am and that one of the things I think that we're, that we're encouraging you to do, is sit with that for a second. Understand what's going on here. Where am I in the midst of this chaotic storm? Am I stupid? No, I know that I'm not right, because I'm self aware. I know now I may be ignorant to this topic, but even if I'm ignorant, I'm smart enough to understand, and by ignorant I mean unlearned. I mayed, I may just not have the exposure to it. But what do I want to do next? Is I want to slow down, ask myself, no, I'm not stupid.
Speaker 2:I may be ignorant.
Speaker 1:But what can I learn from this? Because I'm not stupid that core belief is not something that's true, it's a false core belief. Not something that's true, it's a false core belief, Right. Therefore, if it's a, if it's a, if it's a pain point between you and your partner or the potential partner person that you're dating, then you want to step back and say hold on a second. I let's talk about this. Let's, let's, let me get my my feet underneath me here. Hey, when I heard those words, that's, that's so stupid. You don't, you don't know these things, but it really hit something in me and and everything in me shut down and wanted to fight. There you go. And so could we talk about this a different way? And it's engaging them. But, but the key here is and I think this gets overlooked often is not, we do not, do not pro tip, do not go into this saying, hey, you are being so mean to me, you are triggering me, you are making this about, because what are you doing? You are making it about them right.
Speaker 1:When we make conflict about another person, that we're going to typically be met with defense.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Therefore, just show up you and say wait a second. This is where this is impacting me. Was that your intent? If it wasn't your intent, then let's move your. Let's try to work the impact to match the intent a little bit better.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's so good and so powerful, because what we're doing is we're becoming more flexible and less rigid. When we get defensive, we get rigid because we're defending ourself, right when we get defensive, we get rigid because we're defending ourself right, and yet it's inviting another person to help me see myself and to inform them of who I really am Right and it takes us.
Speaker 2:I know this is may sound odd to some folks, but I hope everyone will hear this and take it to heart, but we all have a tendency to go to our child brain and not our adult brain, especially when our identity has been challenged or we feel like our value has been compromised. In other words, it's one of your famous sayings what does that say to you about you? That's right, right. And if we'll ask ourself that question OK, what is this saying to me about me? Then we'll be less likely to say you are making me so angry. Well, yeah, hold on a second. I'm allowing myself to get really angry about this because in my head, this narrative, the story I'm telling myself, is you think I'm stupid? I know, do you mind if I interject an example here? And this is okay, sorry, dad in heaven, but my dad told me every dumb blonde joke that there was on the planet, from the time I was little until, oh gosh, I was probably in my forties and I said that's enough, right, but that's a long time.
Speaker 2:And for our listeners who aren't seeing you you're blonde, that's right, and have been your whole life, and it was such an eye opener when I realized in my 40s that that is does not mean that I am. I am stupid, right? However, you add that, ok, think about the domino effect, and this is why we hope you guys who are really curious about dating that you'll remember that knowing you is so key about dating, that you'll remember that knowing you is so key Because, underneath that, I was second in line to a sister who skipped third grade. So when I get to third grade, hey, I think heck man, I should sell right on through this right.
Speaker 2:And I didn't. So guess what? I felt stupid and like I didn't have the same level of intelligence, which maybe I didn't. However, that doesn't mean I wasn't valuable and wasn't smart. It was just different, completely different. And then you add to that a third grade teacher who was extremely what's a good word Mean, just mean period and so you take these layers of influence. So you take these layers of influence and we're suddenly an adult and we're going to revert to that child brain and start defending ourself as though we're talking to our third grade teacher or as though we're under the influence of a joke that's been told to us that has influenced how we view our level of intelligence. Right, and you know what? It doesn't work that way.
Speaker 1:It doesn't. And and not to. I don't want this to come across as invalidating in any way, because that's so difficult to grow up hearing all of that, all of that.
Speaker 1:Right? And was that the intent? Of course not Right. And so, but are we aware of our impact? Good point, and that's where I think knowing ourselves is so important, because you know, I mean like you, the sibling above me, he's, I mean, he went to Harvard, he's done all these things, all these accomplishments, and it's like, well, I didn't go to Harvard. What does that mean about me? Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Right, and so there's and so we grow up with these influences. A very, very, very close friend of mine was talking about this. He's in his later 80s and he was telling me about how the impression that we give when we have an apparent competence meaning we show up in the world as we have it all together and what message that sends to the people down the line from us. Do they know we struggle? Are they aware of their struggles as it relates to how we struggle?
Speaker 2:Well, that requires some vulnerability and in dating that's difficult. I mean, I feel like some of you may have heard of or follow Brene Brown and she says that after one of her huge TED Talks she had a vulnerability hangover. And sometimes I think that can happen when you're dating because you're putting out there your sensitive well, I don't even want to use that word your soft spots, those places where you hope someone will hold space for you to not know something or not be at the same level of information that that person may have. Amount of knowledge, ability to make a grade or whatever is not an indication of a person's value and worth and their, their importance of belonging wherever they are.
Speaker 1:Yes, and to piggyback on that brilliant statement is that, though the wealth of their, of their partner, the aesthetic, please, please pleasingness of their partner, the, the, what their partner does, or how valuable other people hold, their partner also does not add or subtract value from a person. So I think those are really, I think you're you're so right on there.
Speaker 2:You know so, so let's kind of move back. Do you on there? You know so, so let's kind of move back. Do you anything else you want to add about intrapersonal, uh, the value of being really connected to you? And look for some people that may sound too much like it's all about me and that's not it. It's about me showing up as me. That's right, and and knowing that you know I might get, I might get offended or jostled around or something might activate one of those big important cells of safety or value, and I'm going to be okay Cause I know how to take care of me.
Speaker 1:And I think that runs itself right into boundaries. Good Boundaries do not are not for the other person, boundaries are for you. That's right and it's that's where you are in, uh, the sense of like the, the limits that you put around your own self so that you don't lose who you are. And I, you know cloud and Townsend, who I think are, are really really great great folks, and Townsend, who I think are really really great great folks, great professionals, and I love they've written a series. I think they have boundaries, a book of boundaries for every occasion. I love it Boundaries for your dogs, boundaries for you I'm kidding. They have boundaries in dating.
Speaker 2:But that's why we send our dogs to obedience school.
Speaker 1:Come on, yes, because we want them to know where the boundaries are.
Speaker 2:Because we're born open and spontaneous. We have to learn boundaries right. We have to be taught, and quite often we're instructed by people who haven't learned them either.
Speaker 1:Correct.
Speaker 2:And so here you go, generationally sometimes.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I like to call it. Okay, this is a made up term, so don't anybody Google it or anything, because it's probably not out there, but it's relational entitlement. We think, well, I'm your mother, I can say what I want. I'm your father, I can tell you what to do, and you're 25 years old, or you're 35 years old, right? Do you see what I'm saying?
Speaker 1:I do.
Speaker 2:So do you get the idea of what I mean by relational entitlement, love, that, and so boundaries are so important? Because I think that that fallacy of thought that because of the relationship I'm in, I have a right or I'm entitled to say whatever I want, right, you know.
Speaker 1:And I want to challenge us in that thought, because I think you're right and I think that's brilliant. I want to challenge us in that that, if, if there are any parents listening to this that you, I am your father, or I am your mother, and I have the right to tell you what to do, I mean in your 25, well, let's back the truck up. I don't have the right to tell you what to do, even when you're two. I do have the right to tell you what I'm going to do and what I'm going to expect from you, but if you should choose differently from what I've given, what I've offered you, then there will be consequences.
Speaker 1:Right, we have the privilege, exactly, and it's the same in finding a partner. It's the same in finding somebody to spend your life with. Yes, the same in finding somebody to spend your life with. It's a space of being. Um, you're not entitled to anything, right, it's, but but I think, in dating, where this is critical is I do have boundaries, I do have expectations, I do have, uh, principles that I live by, love, that morals, values, whatever you want to call them, and I'm not telling you what to do. I'm not. I often hear and this it's. It's more typically weighted on with with one side than the other, but I do typically hear often ladies saying that oh, but I can change them.
Speaker 1:Oh, and I think to myself you're setting yourself up for a whole lot of hurt and a whole lot of heartache.
Speaker 2:Right, it's a given that people do grow and change.
Speaker 1:Sure.
Speaker 2:Sometimes in a positive way, sometimes in a negative way, and we do know that. However, to date potential and date potential change is dating, an idea of someone, not dating someone, and so tuck that away, because I think that's a powerful truth to hold close.
Speaker 1:I think that you bring up that so well said, is not looking for potential, because think about that, Like, how, how overlooked and invalidated might we feel if somebody is looking to, uh, to date the potential in us but they don't love what they see because I may never match the potential they have in their mind. For me, and I I think that you know an example of um of an example of this may be that my values are such that Well, actually, let me give you an example of something that I've heard in my office.
Speaker 2:OK.
Speaker 1:I've heard a lot of folks who say you know what my faith, my faith and my faith practice is very important to me and they date somebody who his faith practice or her faith practice is very different. It's not important to them. And what I see when I work with couples is you know, he gets up in the morning or on Sunday mornings and he goes to church, but she's not interested. It's not her faith practice. Therefore, you know, and when they're, when they don't have children yet, they can limp along, but the minute they have children, they they show up in an office like ours, right, because that faith tradition is very different.
Speaker 1:I mean, I've worked with couples whose faith tradition is, at the core, very different. One might be a Jewish, the other might be Muslim and there's not a whole lot of common ground there. And when they start thinking about how they want to raise their children, the fact that they didn't adhere to that boundary in their dating costs them a consequence in their later life. And then there's ways to work through that. But it's very painful because if your faith practice is at the core of your worldview, well that's going to be a really tough hill to climb, right.
Speaker 2:And that's a foundational or fundamental, if you will issue, Right. Let me bring up one other area where we might experience boundaries. If one person in the relationship has grown up where every event is a command performance with their family of origin, right. Then the other person's like wait, well, no, I thought we could go on a ski trip with our friends. But you're saying we have to go to your grandma's ranch, you know, because they've been doing that for generations, right? So the boundaries may sound like places where we keep people out, and that's not it at all I mean, you know sometimes we have to have a hard boundary about what we're not going to allow in.
Speaker 2:However, the majority of the time, a boundary is the pathway to intimacy, because if we're doing something that we don't really want to do, that's a seedbed for resentment and resentment is a relationship spoiler Because then that resentment turns to bitterness and then sideways anger, and we don't know why we're angry. Why do you hate my family? I don't. I just don't like their command performances, right.
Speaker 1:Yes, and that brings us right back to the idea of intra personal awareness. It's that because resentment covers. It's like dirt kicking dirt over who I am and I'm just going to overlook it because I'm trying to match what you want from me and it's like wait a minute. Why can't we discuss this? Like you said, I don't hate your family at all. Right, this isn't about me hating them. This is about me not liking command performances.
Speaker 2:Right and having to adhere to traditions that have been historically in place. Let's talk about those. Talk about those traditions that are historical and generational and see how they match with what the two of us would like to experience together, if that makes sense.
Speaker 1:Perfect sense, and I think that is so pivotal in dating, I agree. So we had the question what are some good first date questions? And I think that, while it may not be a first date question, it is such a good question to ask people or ask a potential partner is what are your family traditions?
Speaker 1:What do they look like? And I want to encourage you all to be thinking about is that something that I could see myself engaging in? If not, I mean, is it Cher that has the song Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough? I don't know.
Speaker 2:But whoever wrote that is genius.
Speaker 1:Because love doesn't carry you all the way to fulfillment.
Speaker 2:No, you're right. However, love does create space for there to be a difference and we may not agree. However, we can agree on being respectful about the disagreement and how to work through it, and that takes us to communication. I mean we have to communicate through it. And that takes us to communication. I mean we have to communicate in dating. If you have a hard time communicating with a person when you're dating them, it becomes exponentially more difficult once that relationship becomes either deeper, more committed, et cetera, because you've I don't know.
Speaker 2:I always refer back to the book when I was having children the baby whisperer the woman out of London who are England, who wrote this book starts out with begin as you intend to go.
Speaker 1:That is is so well said. Yeah, because again, begin as you intend to go. If you don't know you right, how will you know where you intend to go right?
Speaker 2:once you know you, then you have to understand the other right, and that's the interpersonal awareness part and that's where boundaries, that's where boundaries come in and you know, I and I love some more practical examples of that, and I mean, please bear with me here, but sex, there's got to be some boundaries around sex when you're dating. And I like to say this I'm not a moralist, I'm a therapist. Even though I have certain morals that are mine as a therapist, I'm not trying to impose those on anyone. But let's just talk about good science and research. Chemistry is a good thing.
Speaker 2:However, there's got to be a chemistry that is basic, that goes beyond just physical chemistry. There is the theory of attraction, so there's some chemistry involved there. But then there's the chemistry of connection. How do we connect on those other levels that sustain us? So once, if, if our boundary is okay, we've gone out once, so now let's have sex when that. Once we begin focusing on the physical fulfillment of the chemistry, then it's kind of like our parents warning us before we eat dinner if you eat your dessert first, you're not going to be hungry for the main meal, right, and the things that are nutritious and help build good bones and give you endurance and the ability to have energy through the day. And the ability to have energy through the day. And that's kind of like getting. Once we start having sex, we lose the getting to know one another more intimately on a different level. That's all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think Dave Matthews had it right when he talked about the whole idea of the song Crash Into Me, and I think that the way that I've conceptualized it is this idea of when you've gotten to know somebody on an emotional and cognitive and a spiritual level to the point that words fail, and that does not happen on the first date, it doesn't happen soon, it's a lengthy process, right that. Then, when words fail, it's like that's where the physicality picks up and that oneness, that intimacy becomes, that's where I think it becomes a part of the equation. And I think that, like you said, we're therapists, we're not moralists and we're not judging anybody.
Speaker 3:Not at all Because it serves nothing.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:But what we are doing is encouraging everyone that intimacy is like a fire. You've used this analogy often. It is like a fire.
Speaker 1:You've used this analogy often it's like a fire, and if you contain a fire there's warmth. You can use it for cooking, you can use it for all kinds of light. But if a fire is not contained, it is extremely destructive, and so we want to be careful with the intimacy that's out of place, whether that's emotional or whether that's physical. It is out of place, meaning I'm giving you more than has been. I don't want to say earned, but then has been.
Speaker 2:That's trustworthy, Correct, you know I mean. Again, we go back to safety. What is the safety? You know what I mean. I'm happy to share.
Speaker 3:But you know it is.
Speaker 2:safety is a very important part of the physical boundaries that we establish in dating, very important part of the physical boundaries that we establish in dating. And I think, too, men are looking for a woman who has confidence, who fits the law of attraction. A woman is looking for a man who is reliable and safe and fits their law of attraction. Those are just a few little things that just naturally or I hate to use this word but organically come, come into the picture there. You know that is attractive and it's not just about um, a checklist again, it's about traits.
Speaker 1:Right and it, it, the, the. When you think about what, about what we're looking for? It's kindness, Like the research suggests that women are looking for somebody who's kind because that shows the willingness or ability to connect that a man who is humorous.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's a big one.
Speaker 1:It's a huge one. That shows intelligence. It shows a playfulness and an intelligence and someone who has the potential to to earn, to be successful, because there's a sense of safety there.
Speaker 2:Right and that could be indicated by their the current job. They have Right, you know it doesn't mean that they're knocking it out of the ballpark. Successful whatever in the moment that has dollar signs to it.
Speaker 1:It's the potential. Yes, right, I think that these can also be, I want to say, bastardized, but I don't want that to be offensive, but the way that they can be misused is that well, or that they have to be kind and they can't be rude and basically they set they set themselves up for an unattainable person or partner.
Speaker 2:That exists, If you, I hate to admit it, but if you look on TikTok and some of these places where I have done some research myself, very reliable sources. But there's a huge complaint, a swelling complaint amongst men that these women put these they have. There's a huge complaint, a swelling complaint amongst men, that these women put these. They have to be a certain height, have to be a certain look, have to be a certain income bracket, and how unfortunate. And you said the word potential Earlier we mentioned you don't date potential and that's two different types of potential. We were talking about the potential of change. You don't marry somebody and hope that they're going to be different, but we do marry or we do date people who exhibit the motivation to do well in their own life because that's a part of the fiber of their being.
Speaker 1:I'm so glad you brought this up, because not dating potential is looking at somebody with a temper who yells while they're driving, yells at the waitress, yells at their family of origin, yells at their roommate and you think that they're not going to yell at you.
Speaker 1:That's dating potential. Is thinking, oh, they'll never yell at me, oh, they'll never cross that line with me, oh, I'll teach them anger management, I'll teach them anger management, I'll show them. Or if a person is misusing money or overspending or over, and you think, oh well, I'll teach them how to be responsible with money.
Speaker 2:Financially responsible.
Speaker 1:That's that part of not dating potential. You're exactly right. But seeing somebody and saying, boy, they're driven and they're really showing up at work and they're really have these big goals and dreams in life and they're really wanting to take something somewhere, they really want to do well in this job or they really have this big dream of something. That's the potential that you, that is unrealized in them at that point. I wish we had a different word for it. But you're right and I'm glad you brought that up.
Speaker 2:You know this may sound kind of silly, but I was watching a series that's very current and very intriguing, and a young man looked at this woman that he has fallen for quickly, and he said you're right, I may not have a plan, because she was concerned about, well, what you keep talking about the future in us, and we've only known each other a couple of months. And he says, well, I have desire and my desire is going to lead to a plan, but nope, I don't have a plan right now. I do have a desire, though, and it's very genuine and it's very strong, and it is about you and us and how that works together. So I guess that's maybe a different way of saying it.
Speaker 1:I think so and pro tip. Look for other places where they have carried out the plans of a desire that they've had prior to you. I love that and it is looking for these things that you see that have they carried out things that they've been excited about in their life?
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:If not, make note of it If they have, make note of that too, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right.
Speaker 1:This is the beginning of a long conversation because dating is a very dating relationships. It's a very complex, exciting but complex idea. Right. I think our hope is is that we can shed some light into some of the under the hood mechanisms of how we might encourage you to think through how you're going to engage this.
Speaker 2:And I would hope that three things are present in our conversation today that are takeaways, and the first one is that you would know yourself, in a way that is as much as you can, at the place that you are in your life, be very aware. I like to use the word notice. Notice what takes you to a negative place about yourself. Notice what takes you to a positive place and try to stay in that beautiful midpoint that, oh okay, I'm going to have a little bit of both and I'm okay with have a little bit of both and I'm okay with being who I am.
Speaker 2:And then the second thing that we've hit upon or spoken about is communication, and how we enter into conflict is very important, and that leads to boundaries, you know. We may have to be able to stand up for ourself and say, oh gosh, I can tell you're very upset right now. However, I choose not to be yelled at, so when you calm down, we can talk about this. And that takes a lot. It takes a lot of practice.
Speaker 2:So those to me three things knowing yourself, being secure as secure as we can be, everybody has insecurities. And secondly, as secure as we can be, Everybody has insecurities. And secondly, the bound, communication. And then boundaries. And as long as we can participate in those three things in the beginning, I think that sets us up to date well, and we have several more episodes ahead of unwrapping what it's like to date, what it's like to break up, what it's like to do this all well, and so, until then, thank you for listening and we'll see you again soon.
Speaker 3:If you found value in our discussion and wish to uncover more about the fascinating world of mental wellness, don't forget to subscribe to the podcast. Stay tuned for our upcoming episodes, where Dr Long will continue to delve into empowering therapies and strategies for mental wellness. Your journey to understanding and embracing mental health is just beginning and we're excited to have you with us every step of the way. Until next time, keep exploring, keep growing and remember to celebrate restored freedom as you uncover it.
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