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Restoration Beyond the Couch
The Beyond the Couch with Dr. Lee Long podcast is intended solely for general informational purposes and does not represent the practice of medicine, therapeutic and psychiatric services, nursing, or other professional health care services. It also does not constitute the provision of medical, therapeutic or psychiatric advice, and no doctor/patient relationship is established. The information on this podcast and any materials linked from it are used at the user's own risk. The content provided through this podcast should not be considered a replacement for professional medical, therapeutic, or psychiatric advice, diagnosis, or treatment. It is important that users do not ignore or postpone seeking medical, therapeutic, or psychiatric advice for any health or mental health condition they might have, and should always consult with their health care professionals regarding such conditions.
Restoration Beyond the Couch
Parenting Tips from a Child Therapist
In this episode of Restoration Beyond the Couch, Dr. Lee Long sits down with Kara Burr, a Licensed Professional Counselor and Registered Play Therapist, to explore the benefits of play therapy in parenting. They discuss how play can help children process emotions, build resilience, and strengthen family connections.
Whether you're a parent or just interested in child development, this episode offers valuable insights into using play as a tool for emotional growth and healing.
Welcome to Restoration Beyond the Couch. I'm Dr Lee Long and in this episode I'm joined by Cara Burr, a licensed professional counselor and play therapist at Restoration Counseling. Today we're diving into the world of parenting and the powerful role that play therapy can have in a child's emotional and developmental growth can have in a child's emotional and developmental growth. Kara shares her expertise on how play therapy helps children process emotions, develop coping skills and strengthen family connections. Whether you're a parent, a caregiver or just curious about child development, this episode offers valuable insights into how play can be a gateway to healing and communication insights into how play can be a gateway to healing and communication. Your path to mental wellness starts here. Welcome, cara Burr. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm so glad that you are here today talking about our play therapy stuff and working with what I affectionately call the babies. The babies. Yeah, so thanks for being on you. You have, like, could you give us kind of a an overview of, like, what play therapy is, and maybe some of the listeners don't even know. Like, in play therapy, like do you just go in and play? Like, is there a point to this thing? Like, really, is playing with toys a meaningful thing? I'm sure you've never heard that.
Speaker 2:Well, uh, I can understand, you know why someone would ask that, and it seems like you know that's what my kids just do around our house. And so, why? Why would I invest in a play therapy? I think it's a really important question. So I would say that, you know, play therapy allows children to communicate through the metaphor of the toys, and I would say you know that the toys in the playroom are really strategic toys that help tell stories.
Speaker 2:So there are a lot of there's not really a lot of flashing lights, although, by mistake Thank you Amazon there's been a few toys that do make noise like a fire truck. You know things like that. So every now and then, there I do have a fancy toy, if that's what you want to call a fancy toy. Uh, however, they are simple animal families, art materials. Uh, you know some uh doll houses, um, you know some uh dollhouses, puppets, toys that allow, you know they, they mimic something in a child's life that if they've gone through something hard, they can replicate it and play um in their natural language. And that's the beautiful part about play is that play is really communicating um, what is going on internally within a child, but also relationally.
Speaker 1:So when you say a metaphor, you mean like the like, if, if they gravitate to like let's say, their house burned, and they gravitate to playing with the house and the fire truck. You know that there's an expression through their language of play that that that they're trying to. Basically they're working that out in what they're doing in the office. Is that accurate?
Speaker 2:yes, yes, absolutely, absolutely. So they're. They're holding that story inside their brain and you know, we would say in the right side of their brain, when there's a lot of emotion and side of their brain that develops first and then, as they play, they're making sense of their experiences yeah, yeah, nice.
Speaker 1:So there is a purpose to play therapy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1:Definitely.
Speaker 2:I will say something that is unique about play therapy that I have found in my 14 and a half years of being a play therapist is, instead of the toys just being a metaphor, that can happen, and I always want to leave room for that. What I, what I really see happening more often in the playroom is how, how the child interacts with me.
Speaker 1:Ah, so it's much more. The toys being a metaphor, I could see getting lost in that, and then everything being um, see getting lost in that, and then everything being not judged but evaluated, and what you're saying here is that it's really not. Yes, that is a clue or a cue, no more a clue, that. But what's more important is how that interpersonal interaction, what that tells you like that, that interaction is more important.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, so I was most often in play therapy. We start very non-direct, which just means that we are in a process of building trust and rapport with one another, and so when a child comes into the playroom, they get to choose what they want to play, um, and so there's always room for them to work out maybe something hard that they've gone through, or to communicate, uh, you know, a relationship, maybe a hard relationship with a sibling through the dollhouse or or things to that manner. Um, what I often find is that I have a kiddo who you know, kind of on a continuum, will, you know, just automatically say I'm the teacher, you come sit over here and I'm going to tell you exactly how today is going to go. Or.
Speaker 2:I will have a kiddo that is very quiet and kind of withdrawn and I'm like, okay, well, I'm already thinking interpersonally how can I help this child become healthier? In how they interact with me and I think how they interact with me is an example of how they interact with those in their world outside of the playroom.
Speaker 1:Right, the unknown person, the potential person in authority. When you're thinking about this and you're conceptualizing how they're approaching you, is that the framework that you're laying for how you're going to approach the kid, this child, in each subsequent session Like? Does that build the framework of the play therapy?
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, it definitely does. I would say that my first three sessions where I'm building trust and rapport, I'm really trying to put on my learning cap. I'm like, who do I have in front of me and what are they? Yes, what are they playing with and are they telling a story, and how are they interacting with me? And then I try to gauge and think, okay, well, out of the three sessions, they have taken a more dominant role and they have asked me to play this certain way or to say this certain thing, just just so. And so I'm thinking well, here, okay, I have a kiddo that needs to learn to increase their flexibility and to learn to yield and also learn to consider who's in the room with them.
Speaker 1:That's fascinating Because of the conceptualization. What you're saying is you're taking play therapy into a place of an interpersonal realm and, to your knowledge, is there play therapy that is taught in school, like in graduate schools? Is there a play therapy that does this, or would you say that this is something that's unique?
Speaker 2:I would say it's more unique are a few modalities that, um, you know, would bring parents into the playroom and have different activities for them, or teach parents a non-direct form of play therapy, and those there's value there, um, but as far as you know, considering um the relationship with the therapist as a small example of what relationships look like generally for this child, no, that's, that's a pretty new pretty new.
Speaker 1:You know, we here at restoration have a really neat opportunity to know and be mentored by big Jim, or Jim McCullough, who wrote the, the CBASP therapy, the therapy model um cognitive behavioral analysis, systems of psychotherapy, where one of his big tenants of CBASP is utilizing the therapist as the a tool in the, the therapeutic process.
Speaker 1:And to see that matriculate through the with the babies or the children, I think is one of the most special, um exciting things that's going on in our field right now.
Speaker 1:One of the things that I would imagine that I might say if I were in your shoes is that do we recognize that we're building a relationship with our children as parents, with our children as parents?
Speaker 1:I mean, you're using the magic I and I I would call it magic of a relationship with these kids that you're treating and you're teaching them how to cope with, deal with, struggle through struggle, well, through some of their, their significant concerns, and you're utilizing you as a tool and a mechanism. Are there things in that relationship that you think, hey, mom and dad or caregiver, these are really powerful things to know, like if you come in strong and domineering, that you're going to push out of your kid almost reflexively a submissive stance from them, meaning they'll back away and you won't see who they are. Or if you're hostile in the hostile sense of being like stay away from me, or creating something where they back up from you, your chances are you're going to get that back, like any tips that you think parents might need to know. You know just thinking through their own behavior and interacting with their kids.
Speaker 2:Something that I will tell parents often is that you are a large, you're the largest reinforcer in your child's life. I love that reinforcer in your child's life and so, um, you know, my job as a play therapist is to enter in for a little while to understand your child and how they're relating to me as a reflection of how they're relating to you, um, and very often I will find that what a parent experiences, I experience a more polite version, and so I will enter in and um relate to a, to a child, in such a way where, well, first I'm being mindful of who are they in the room with me and, like I mentioned a little bit earlier that there'll be about three sessions where I'm just trying to figure out, hey, what is happening from session to session and what is the theme that's occurring relationally Like. Are they very dominant? Are they very withdrawn from me? Are they very pleasing with me? You know what? Are they very dominant? Are they very withdrawn from me? Are they very pleasing with me? You know what are the relational themes.
Speaker 2:And then I consider how can I enter in to teach them an area where they're weak, right, how can I grow them interpersonally? And so I would encourage parents that they have that same opportunity, but all day, every day, you know all of these opportunities to make an impact on their child. When a parent enters in to a situation that may be difficult to parent, but they enter in with, you know a lot of nurture, high relationship, also with consistency and with boundaries and limits, and when those go hand in hand the relationship component and the structure there's a lot of goodness that will come from that and the kiddos will learn with time. Well, I can really trust my parent. This is who they are day in and day out and they really delight in me, and so when a kid knows that a parent delights in them and also can provide consistent limits, there's a lot of really safe learning that happens.
Speaker 1:Do you think it sounds like to me that you're advocating for attachment like a secure attachment, and what do I mean by attachment? A place where a kid feels safe to be known, to be seen, that they know that their needs will be cared for. Do you want to add anything to that definition?
Speaker 2:Oh sure, that's a great summary, knowing that a parent or a caregiver will consistently be there for me. You know, with some of our physical needs it kind of starts there as an infant, also, just with my relational needs. Sometimes parents I'll even have a parent every now and then who worries about their attachment with their child and I'll just ask him, like, do you delight in your child? You know, and, and and. The honest answer is there. The honesty behind that is that sometimes we have hard struggles with our kids.
Speaker 2:But overall, can you, can you think about? You know, when you picture and think about your child like, do you delight in who they are? Right, and it's like the very core of secure attachment is just this relationally, relationally enjoying our children.
Speaker 1:You know, it's so fascinating to me about attachment in this is that you know, we know as a therapist with adults, that the person, that the client, the patient, is attaching to us when they hold us in their mind when we're not there, Meaning hey, I was thinking about, I was talking very negatively to myself and your voice came into my mind saying hey, don't talk to my friend that way. Or hey, don't talk to my friend that way. Or hey, you know, don't talk to my. You know, don't talk to somebody that I care about that way. And you know that that's when there's an attachment that's been made, is that they carry your voice around in in their mind.
Speaker 1:What you're laying out here is that you're teaching parents that bringing in that, that that warmth, that connection, is really, really important to laying those tracks, if you will, those grooving their brain.
Speaker 1:For the grooving the child's brain, for that attachment to them as the parent, so that they feel safe and secure, that then they can act out their life or act out is probably not a great way to say that but they can live out their life and even as a child, go run experiments that may have risk, right, but they know that there's a loving parent there to run back to, to help figure it all out. Back to to help figure it all out, and that if you are experiencing something, that if a kid needs to come in for play therapy, I'm not saying that it's on the parent as to why that kid is there, but that the parent can learn to be a tool. Because I think a lot of times I know that a lot of parents will say you know, my kid needs help, my kid needs therapy. What have I done wrong? Where have I gone wrong? And I guess the big message that I'm asking you, that I really am hopeful that parents hear, is if your kid needs something that's extra, it's not because you've somehow failed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's so true. I mean, I think you know every parent is doing the best that they can with the tools that they have and you know play therapy allows for there to be someone who also gets to know your child and, like I mentioned earlier that the impact that their child is having on the play therapist is very similar to how the child impacts the parent. And so it's. It's a moment of hey, the child gets to learn with the play therapist um, you know, uh, a healthy way of interacting, and then also the play therapist gets to know the child, so that the play therapist can communicate to the parents like hey, here are some ideas, here's something I tried in the playroom, here's what that could look like at home. Um, and there's, I think the most effective play therapy considers the whole family system, right, Well, you say that again.
Speaker 1:cause that's so powerful?
Speaker 2:The most effective play therapy is considering the family system.
Speaker 1:What does that mean?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I would let me say it this way and we'll see if that kind of makes sense is that if there was a play therapist who would meet with a child and they you know, it is just between the two of them and the child is able to play and choose their activities in the playroom. There is learning, there is value in that. That is important.
Speaker 1:I think one of the things that I hear you saying, kara, is that a parent impacts their child, and if a play therapist is impactful and they're only working with that child, they're impactful. To the degree with which they work with the child the playroom more specifically and implement that throughout the week, throughout the the, the days when the child isn't in the playroom, that it certainly is more impactful, not only on the child, on the parent, but I would say even more importantly and I think you might agree with me here, even more importantly, the parent and the child in the way that they relate.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, absolutely. It allows the parent to have insight of how can I interact with my child in such a way that makes an impact on them just ample amounts of time. And so there's learning that can happen in the playroom, but there's so much more learning that can happen inside their household, where they are day in and day out interacting with their parents and with their siblings, or, you know, with peers at school. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's really about equipping the parents to know, hey, here's some ways I can really care for my child. And and then it's also my job to help the parents really get specific in different areas of like hey, if they're really struggling on the way to school, let's think through some ways that you parent can enter in with you know, um, I'll often say with friendly, dominant behavior, but really I synonymously, uh would say with a lot of nurture and a lot of structure.
Speaker 1:Right To, to, To decode that friendly, dominant behavior. It's the behavior that is guiding and teaching with a kindness like what you're saying.
Speaker 2:Yes, definitely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think sometimes, when parents are dominant, they think, oh great, then I can just lambast this kid with all of my emotions, right, and it's like boy. That couldn't be further from the truth.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely I think. Another, you know, in the parenting realm you'll often hear authoritative parenting and I you know friendly, dominant is a another way to say that, that similar concept of there's high relationship and there's high structure here.
Speaker 1:There's both at the same time. You're not accustomed to. It's like there's this, it is a um, it's like we don't know what to do sometimes.
Speaker 2:Oh, definitely.
Speaker 1:And so it's like we feel really out, we feel really out of control. And there was a book written about strong-willed children We'll leave the author's name out of it, but the the message was you get control. Parent, or your strong willed child will get control. And where I wish that there would have been a little more encouragement or a little more perhaps instruction, is get control of what, because I think all too often people read that and go well, I need to get control of that kid. But that doesn't seem very relational, it's definitely not interpersonal and so it's wait, I need to get control of me as the parent and if I'm in control of me as the parent, that kid may be out of control for the moment. But the idea is, if I'm in control, I can be warm and I can be high you know high relationship and I can be highly structured and the structure will not come out of anger because I'm in control of me. You think that's a fair assessment.
Speaker 2:I do, I think you know. Uh, that might be just be the hardest part of parenting is to uh, especially when, uh, you know, our kiddos are going through a hard moment of dysregulation to be that calm, regulated presence, and so sometimes we have to take a moment so that we can enter in. It's not just this superhero power, you know, it's a lot of practice, it's a lot of extending grace to ourselves as parents to be able to, you know, pause and not just be impulsive and not just react.
Speaker 1:Boy. That's the truth. I will tell you that timeouts were not. I don't believe that timeouts were designed for a uh, an inch, a uh, a disciplinary tactic, as much as they were designed to teach emotional regulation. In other words, you don't want the consequence to be a timeout If the kid destroyed the playroom. The timeout is to help them regulate their emotions so that they can go, help you put the playroom back together. But I always I, when I was raising my kids, when they were really little I used to say hey, daddy needs a timeout here because mad daddy doesn't want to show up and I want to be, I want to be calm daddy, but mad daddy's on his way, so I need to go and quell him, so that and it's like I it was, you know, taking timeouts, and my hope was that I was teaching them that it's okay to experience these high emotions. You just have to deal with them in a way that's not deconstructive but is constructive, or destructive but it's constructive.
Speaker 2:I'll often encourage parents to have their child have a place to think it over, right, if something happened that wasn't the best choice of behavior, I mean let your imaginations just go there for a minute is that, hey, we need our kids to think it over, and we'll just tell them that, hey, you're right here.
Speaker 2:And then I'm going to just be a few steps away and when you're ready to talk about it, just say ready, and we'll come. And we'll come and we'll address it, and then we'll go and we'll maybe, as an example, clean up the playroom together that was completely destroyed, and then they will practice the desired behavior right. So it's a moment to calm oneself, a moment to have some reflection, and then it's a moment of actually practicing the behavior that you are asking.
Speaker 1:How would you, how would you coach a parent who the kid is ready, but the parent's still angry?
Speaker 2:Well, I would say, if a kid is ready but the parent is still angry, then you can communicate to the child I'm so glad you're ready, and I am going to take a few more, few more moments and then and then we'll go and we'll talk about it. So I say that because we don't want to rush the process, because your, your kiddo can, can pick up on your emotion dysregulation and if you really are wanting your kid to be in a place where their brain is calm enough to learn, then we have to be mindful of what we're bringing to that situation. So it's good for us to take the time that we need so that we can be that model of emotion regulation, because how we come into the situation will overflow onto our children.
Speaker 1:That's true, boy. Our emotions do tend to set. They set a tone, don't they? Oh, absolutely. Those little kids are like little brawners. That's true, boy. Our emotions do tend to set. They set a tone, don't they?
Speaker 2:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Those little kids are like little brawners.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I am just that last week I was in the grocery store and I was feeling stressed because of the time limit before having to go pick up my oldest and my middle child was like Mom, I love you, mom, I love you and I was like what is happening right? Now.
Speaker 2:And I was like I love you too, and and you know what, Are you picking up on the fact that mom's a little stressed right now? Yes, I was like you know what, sweetie, I love you so much and you, you do not have to be responsible for my emotions right now.
Speaker 1:That's a cool message at her age.
Speaker 2:I hope she was able to understand that. But I was literally in the frozen section of Whole Foods just being like, just hold on, I got it. Hold on, I got it. What's happening here?
Speaker 2:And I know that it was such a reminder for me in that moment that, like hey, she can really feel how I'm feeling and it's having an impact on her and she knows when I'm in my you know, like we said a moment ago my friendly dominant place, that's a sweet spot of like hey, there's a lot of, there's a lot of fun, there's a lot of interacting, there's a lot of, you know, reading a book together at night or there's just moments to snuggle together and just this relation, these relationally rich moments. And I want to be mindful of, hey, what are my emotions and, um, how that impacts my kids. And so those are things that you know it's, it's, that's my life as a parent. But those things are true for in the playroom also.
Speaker 1:That example, I think, was really helpful. Thank you for that, because you know, because you know, being aware, being curious about if she's telling you she loves you. And she's telling you she loves you and you're like yeah, great, thank you, I love you too. I love you too. Oh my gosh, yep, love you too. And it's like, if we remain unaware of our impact, we may respond out of like oh my gosh, I love you too, do you not believe me? And we could respond with frustration, thinking that, like, this is not annoying that our kid is telling us that, but the repetition can become frustrating to a parent. Sure.
Speaker 1:And I think, like you said, your first three sessions are all about being curious and understanding the kid that's in the, in the, in the playroom. It's like, hey, parents, let's all be curious about our kids, let's all be. And, again, we're not going to be perfect at this, so please don't put that as another brick in your backpack, parents, because we all know that parenting little ones is like like we know there's a boulder back there. Little ones is like like we know there's a boulder back there. And it's like sometimes the way we can lighten our load is to recognize wait, this is repetitive. Hey, what's going on, sweetheart? Uh, are you picking up on that? I'm stressed because I think that in that it's you being self-aware and also carrying carrying an awareness of her.
Speaker 2:Yeah definitely.
Speaker 1:And that goes from and this is my favorite thing to talk about that goes from an intrapersonal or a self-awareness that wait a second, I'm starting to get this. I love you, I love you, I love you. The repetition is wait. Now we're going to move to interpersonal awareness of that between us, awareness of saying, wait, sweetheart, are you picking up on mommy's stress? Yes, it's like okay. So it went from intrapersonal to interpersonal and then you came back to your self-awareness, right, the intrapersonal awareness, and you offered her a different solution of hey, you don't have to take care of that. And whether she understood it or not, you're, I believe, you're building a pathway of. She says I don't have to be responsible for that. I don't know what that means, but I'll sure I'll figure it out someday, someday. And it's like the more you repeat that, the more she understands what responsibility is, the more every time you teach her about responsibility, that's kind of tucked away in the back of her back of her brain. What a beautiful example, what a beautiful message that you sent her that day.
Speaker 1:And what a great example of that back and forth, that intra personal self-awareness to the interpersonal the. You went from me to we, back to me, and then offered her something really beautiful. You let her off the hook. Yeah, well done. All while you're stressed out in the middle of whole foods trying to get some food hashtag goals people.
Speaker 2:That's amazing.
Speaker 1:That's really cool.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that at times, when people hear that it's play therapy and they're playing, they get skeptical and they think, well, wait a minute, you're going to just teach them how to play. But I think Let me toss this to you how would you?
Speaker 2:How would you characterize somebody saying that? How would you debunk that myth? We're just playing, it's like we're playing, but as we're playing it's really this real-life emotional learning that's occurring. Because if it's, you know, I'm thinking through a client who and this is often I'll often have very dominant kids come into the playroom that really love to run the show and I'm thinking how can you be mindful of me in the room? How can you be mindful of me in the room? Because if they were to just learn to continue to be dominant and maybe exert their control with their peers or with their parents, I mean, I kind of hate to say it, but it might just be a really lonely relational experience for them as they continue to grow.
Speaker 2:If they never learn to do anything different, then that could really impact their relationships negatively. So I think like, okay, well, how can I enter in here to this moment and how can I teach you to think about? You know, if you want to just do trick shots with basketball the whole time, what about me, Like I like basketball I mean kind of I do, but I like basketball. And what if I want to take a shot, Like may I have a turn Right? And so there's this considering who else is in the room with them. So, yes, we're, you know we're playing basketball, or we're creating a story with puppets together. What if the puppet didn't know that it was going to absorb that puppet's power? Until this happened and there's always I look for opportunities where I can insert an idea so that the child can learn to be flexible.
Speaker 1:So it's their learning with me, flexibility, they're learning to consider me, and those are lifelong lessons for relationships here on after, yeah, I love that You're saying that typically the kiddos that you see are going to be more of the fill up the room type child, as opposed to the to the slink away and not engage typically, because I would imagine that if you have a fairly compliant child that you're going to bump along as a family and feel pretty good about that compliance.
Speaker 2:That's true, it's sneaky.
Speaker 1:Compliance is a very, very sneaky thing. I remember when one of my kids who tends to be a little more compliant, on the compliant side of the scale, they ran upstairs and slam their door and I remember running up the stairs behind them going, oh, my gosh, high five. You just slammed your door and they were like, oh, you ruined the moment. I'm like, okay, probably, but you're right, you don't want that compliance to always be something that you celebrate. Um, and, and I'm gonna give, I'm gonna maybe give a little bit of background as to why, in the sense that you don't want compliance to always to to be something that we always celebrate, is because, like, compliance to what it's, compliance to you now, but if they don't learn to think on their own, you don't want them to listen to the loudest voice in the room, cause that loudest voice in the room in certain rooms may be the most nefarious voice in the room, would you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely. If I have a more compliant or a more submissive kid in the playroom, I'm thinking, you know, I it's. It is easier in some ways because they are like well, what do you want to play with? And I'm like, wow, that's amazing.
Speaker 1:I feel so, considered yes.
Speaker 2:But then I'm like, well, hold on here. Like how can I, yes, appreciate that you're thinking of me, but also empower you to use your voice? And so you know, I'll ask him like hey, why don't you just look around the playroom, take it all in and then whatever looks the most fun to you? I really want to hear that. And so, really, the playroom can be a place where a kiddo learns to be flexible, learns to be mindful, learns how to share power, and also the playroom can be a place where a kid learns to kind of break free and express themselves and share, and, you know, not just play with the fidgets in the sand very quietly, but then they move from that to the whole explorative.
Speaker 2:Like we have the army men out and it's a whole battle, and I've created and these are real life stories and I've created this Island out of the sand and it's an amazing world. And I'm like, wow, like the, you were once in a shell, but now, now you've opened up and what I'm getting to experience is really beautiful. And and I always that's something I haven't said yet is I want to be mindful, to communicate the impact that they're having on me to them. Like, hey, you know, what's really cool about today is that, um, you know you really thought about me, that you, you shared, uh, the basketball with me. I'll get very specific about what went well, because I really want to tell them so that they learn.
Speaker 2:I want to reinforce that. So if I have a kid who's more compliant, I'm like I'm so glad you shared with me what you actually wanted to do or what was on your mind, or that you, you know something cool today. If it's a smaller goal might be that hey, you played with a new toy today and that was pretty cool to see you grab the? Um, the action figures. I liked that. You did that. So I'm always trying to think through how can I encourage them for moving right, interpersonally moving of, to showing more flexibility or to, um, communicating more openly?
Speaker 1:I think the the joy of that, or the excitement of that, is when you talk about observing their movement. It's their movement based on what? And it's based on you, right, You're teaching them their impact in that playroom and you're the only other living human being in that playroom. All the rest of it is inanimate objects the toys and teaching them their impact on you, and it's like that's truly a thread of therapy, from the children all the way up. It's learning your impact on others. I think parenting that's a really big part of parenting is teaching your kids that they have impact.
Speaker 2:Definitely.
Speaker 1:And I love that. You're very specific and they know that. You know you were pleased, but it wasn't because it was like a random. Okay, I pleased you, but I'm not sure how I love the going back to your example. In whole foods, I love you. I love you Cause I know you're pleased. When I tell you I love you, it's like, okay, how do I please you? And it's like, oh, no, no, no, you don't need to please me here. Yeah, you get to be you. And it's like you're letting these kids play, be themselves, all, all, while directing them and showing them a new opportunity perhaps, and then giving them such feedback of here's what specifically you did that warranted this feedback. Yeah.
Speaker 1:That's a powerful process.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree, I agree, and it's really beautiful to see play therapy unfold over the sessions. You know, because you know uh, a very withdrawn child, to see uh, him or her open up to smile at me, to say hi, you know, to come and be like I need to. I want to tell you this about my week and I'm like you want to talk to me Like this is dope.
Speaker 2:This is so different from how we started, like I'm so grateful that this is the place that we are at now, right, or if I have you know more, some more of my dominant kiddos, and if it's been a while since I've seen them, I'll say I'll say, okay, how do we, how do we play together? Okay, here's how we play together. We take turns, we don't throw the ball as hard as we can, we don't shoot the dart gun at one another. I mean, they'll go through the rules, rules and I'll say those are you know. They'll say we think about each other, we take turns. They'll say some more positive things too, and then I'll say and he's like, have fun, that's right, we're totally going to have fun today. That is the goal. And so with that, with that particular one, I always end, hey, because we played by the rules, like you and I, we had a lot of fun together. So it's sweet to see them. They learn, and then they change. And then I just kind of get to keep encouraging them for how they've changed.
Speaker 1:I know that as a parent, it was really. It was it and even maybe encouraged for me to teach my kids that they do have an impact on me, like you did in whole foods. It wasn't you're not responsible for me, but you do have an impact on me. It's like if my kids don't take the trash out, it's like hey, listen, this is this, is how this landed on me. Like I had to do this. It kind of took some extra time out of my day.
Speaker 1:I'm not telling you that to make you feel bad. I just want you to know that you're important in this family and the things that you do matter and they impact us, and I think that I want to encourage parents Like it's first of all, we don't want to shame and it's not something that we're saying like therefore, you make me feel a certain way when you do X, it's more of hey, your behavior matters, your behavior impacts me, but and I would encourage parents, understand that, even if you don't communicate that to your kid, understand the impact that that kid is having on you, would you? Would you add or take away from that?
Speaker 2:It is important for us as as parents and of course is with myself as a play therapist to communicate the impact that our, our children are having on us.
Speaker 2:I want to encourage parents to start by communicating the positive impact that your kids have on you.
Speaker 2:You know it's easier to draw attention to misbehavior at times rather than just stating what we're enjoying, because when things are going smoothly, I know for me as a parent, I'll just kind of fall into okay, everybody's settled, I can go tackle my to-do list, right, and I want to keep growing as a parent and noticing the good, right, and noticing the positive impacts that our children have on us. And so when there is an abundance of almost like these relationship deposits, then we can also know that we have that saved up in a sense, so that we can go in and communicate hey, you know when, uh, when I had to ask you a few times to go take a shower, like that was, that was really frustrating, all right. So what can we do differently? How can we handle this nighttime situation differently, so that when I just asked you to go take a shower, it happens faster next time, right? So it is important to be honest about those impacts, but the more constructive feedback needs to come from a place that has been first met with connection.
Speaker 1:Yes, without question, and that to me, I'm glad you stated it that way and that to me, I'm glad you stated it that way the whole idea of impact is to teach is about connection, right learning occurring, but it is not a type of learning that we're after. It is a disconnecting. Okay, you're not safe. It's not safe to make mistakes and that is the antithesis of what I hope, as parents, that we're trying to teach our kids. Kara, one question that I have for you is you know there's some parents that say so. If I'm in a rush and you know I'm late for work or they're late for school, you want me to do all this connecting, some parents will say mumbo jumbo and there's just not time, it's just not practical. How would you speak to that?
Speaker 2:Well, you know being have demands that we need to move along. But I would just say that those moments where there's some stress or some misbehavior and there's a responsibility to get to, you know, those will go more smoothly if we are more intentional and attentional. Other times of the day where we do have some margin, and I'll just go ahead and say and if we are, if we are too busy, um, and we're too rushed, uh, with our schedules and with our demands, and we are going to really miss those opportunities to slow down and connect. So I would encourage parents that, you know, if you find yourself getting into a lot of power struggles, well, let's take a step back, let's consider our time with our child and let's, you know, create some margin for connection to help us get through those hotspot moments.
Speaker 1:I think that's such a great point because life can get hectic. Life doesn't have to remain hectic and, man, if you get into power struggles, you may want to look at who's trying to hold all the power right. And as parents, we shouldn't be holding all the power. We need to be sharing power, and the older they get, the more power we're giving them granted because it's been earned. But here's the here's the reality. Whether it's earned or not, they hold their own personal power, whether we like it or not. And it's all about negotiating, right? I know working with teenagers. It really is all about helping parents learn to negotiate. And people say wait a minute, you're teaching me to negotiate with a terrorist. And I'm like well, hold on, your kid's not a terrorist, they're a teenager. I know they start both start with T but they're a different, they're a different breed.
Speaker 1:But it's really not about negotiating with demands. It's about negotiating through connection, like what you're talking about, and that's not a one-time thing. And I love, I love, I love what you're putting out there, Cara Burr thank you so much for being here today.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're welcome.
Speaker 1:We are so blessed to have you and you getting to work with the children here at this practice is not only a blessing to us as practitioners but to the families that you get to work with and the other, uh, the other therapists that you get to to instruct and and and um mentor, and uh, we're just grateful for you. So thanks for being here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, thank you, lee, thanks for having me, you bet.
Speaker 4:If you found value in our discussion and wish to uncover more about the fascinating world of you. Bet is just beginning and we're excited to have you with us every step of the way. Until next time, keep exploring, keep growing and remember to celebrate restored freedom as you uncover it.
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