The WAIT Framework: Where Am I in This?

Have you ever felt stuck, invisible, or like you’re disappearing in your relationships with friends, family, work, or romantic partners? In this first episode of Wait, Let’s Talk About That, Dr. Lee Long and co-host Lila Pond introduce the WAIT Framework, a simple, practical strategy to help you pause, check in with yourself, and start showing up fully as you in every relationship.

Through relatable stories, real listener questions, and actionable takeaways, Dr. Lee and Lila guide you to:

• Notice where you’ve been disappearing or adapting too much
• Understand why you react the way you do in relationships
• Take small steps to reclaim your voice and presence

By the end of the episode, you’ll have a roadmap to stop getting lost in others’ moods and decisions and instead bring your healthiest “me” to the “we.” This week’s challenge? Notice one moment where you tend to disappear and take one small action to show up as yourself.

Pause. Reflect. Ask yourself: Where am I in this?

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The WAIT, Let's Talk About That with Dr. Lee Long podcast is intended solely for general informational purposes and does not represent the practice of medicine, therapeutic and psychiatric services, nursing, or other professional health care services. It also does not constitute the provision of medical, therapeutic or psychiatric advice, and no doctor/patient relationship is established. The information on this podcast and any materials linked from it are used at the user's own risk. The content provided through this podcast should not be considered a replacement for professional medical, therapeutic, or psychiatric advice, diagnosis, or treatment. It is important that users do not ignore or postpone seeking medical, therapeutic, or psychiatric advice for any health or mental health condition they might have, and should always consult with their health care professionals regarding such conditions.

Transcript

The Core Question Of WAIT

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Why did I do what I just did? Where was I in that? What was I thinking? What was I feeling? What was I experiencing? What was I believing? And that is the cornerstone of wait. Where am I in this? Hi, I'm Dr. Lee Long, and I'm here with my co-host Lila Pond, and this is Wait. Let's talk about that.

SPEAKER_01 0:29

Well, it's so great to be here. It seems as though the question of how do I get unstuck? How do I stop feeling invisible in my relationships? How do I find some clarity in my life about me? I just compromise so much all the time. So I'm excited to hear you present some simple practical tools to change that pattern. We're all looking for some hope and a roadmap that's going to help us get to where we really want to be.

Why We Lose Ourselves In Relationships

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Mm-hmm. Before we get into today's subject, I want our listeners to pause and I want you to ask yourself, where am I in this? This is the question we're going to continue to ask ourselves all season of this podcast. I even wrote a book called Wait, where am I in this? And I want it to become something you routinely ask yourself in every situation that you're navigating. When your emotions are heavy or you're having a lot of feelings about another person or maybe a situation you're facing, this question is going to change the way you handle those situations. I truly believe it's going to cause a positive shift in your relationship. I mean, I've seen it in my office. I've seen it with the people that I work with. It's about locating yourself instead of looking outward or relying on other people to change. I want you to take a minute and find yourself on the map today. Think about how you're feeling, what you're thinking, what you might be experiencing, what you might be believing, what you're needing to become aware of you.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

Oh, I think that's great. I hope everybody will truly pause and do just that right now.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

All right. What do you say? Should we get into it?

SPEAKER_01 2:26

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 2:27

You know, starting out thinking like, have you ever lost yourself in a relationship? Have you ever found yourself staying quiet even when something really matters?

SPEAKER_01 2:38

Do you feel like you really know where you are in relationships at times? And do you find yourself guided by the other person's mood, behaviors, decisions, opinions, judgments, etc.?

SPEAKER_00 2:53

Yeah, isn't that interesting that it can take us so off course?

SPEAKER_01 2:57

Yes.

The Pause Button Between Trigger And Response

SPEAKER_00 2:57

We lose who we are. So true. And that's where the acronym wait.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

Ah.

SPEAKER_00 3:05

Where am I in this? Now, it's a it's both an acronym.

SPEAKER_01 3:09

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 3:10

Where am I in this? But it's also intended to be a pause.

SPEAKER_01 3:18

Oh, that's great. We all look for a pause button, don't we?

SPEAKER_00 3:22

Yes, a pause button for sure. Because if we can just create some distance between what happened and our response, it gives us such a greater opportunity to respond in a way that is really powerful. Because our tendency without that pause, our tendency is to lose ourselves. Right. We don't ask the right questions, dare I say. Because what do we tend to do?

SPEAKER_01 3:51

We tend to get very emotional and we start making statements, assumptions, and all of a sudden we've even forgotten where we're going, much less how we're going to get there.

SPEAKER_00 4:02

Right. And the interesting thing is that these assumptions, these statements, are typically not about where we are. So true. They're typically about where everybody else is.

SPEAKER_01 4:14

So you mean I'm abandoning myself and getting into somebody else's head, so to speak?

SPEAKER_00 4:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 4:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 4:21

It's the dreaded mind reading. It's the thinking that we have control over things that we really don't have control over. And it is an externalization, meaning I'm trying to get how many times do you hear in your office, if they would just Oh, it's minute by minute. Right. And the sad thing is, is that if they would just, we have no power over that.

A Mall Map For Emotional Clarity

SPEAKER_01 4:49

Well, we just why we need a map.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

That's right. And speaking of maps, I was with my wife and kids at the mall.

SPEAKER_01 4:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 4:57

And we got separated. And this was during the Christmas season, the holiday season, so it was crowded.

SPEAKER_01 5:03

Did they have the credit card?

SPEAKER_00 5:06

They did. They did. Indeed. So I called my wife and I said, Hey, where are you guys? And she said, she right? She said, Hey, well, we are at such and such store. And I said, I don't have any idea where that is. Oh, that's a bad feeling. Uh-huh. Her next question back to me is, Where are you? And I said, Oh, I'm by this store. And I had to look around and orient myself in that mall to discover where I was. Because where she was meant nothing to me if I don't know where I am, because then I don't know how to make my way to them.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

Great point. Oh, well, what do you what do you do though if you can't get to her? You know what I'm saying? Like if you hadn't looked at a map, what would you have done?

SPEAKER_00 5:59

A lot of times I think what we do is we tend to just walk around aimlessly. Uh, and we get upset with the other person that we can't find them. Why can't you be found?

SPEAKER_01 6:11

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 6:12

But in reality, it really needs to come back to where am I? Oh man, that's a good point. I often think about when we're like on a trail or we're in the mall, we're using the heck out of this mall thing here. Yeah.

unknown 6:27

Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

But everybody's gonna go shopping after this.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

Do are malls even a thing anymore?

SPEAKER_01 6:33

Maybe a few of them.

SPEAKER_00 6:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:36

So when you lost your wife and your kids, they were in a place where you didn't know where they were and you couldn't in even envision where they were, then how were you going to get to them if all you were doing is trying to change their location, right? They're not gonna change.

SPEAKER_00 6:54

Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:55

But you have to.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

Well, yeah, it comes to a place where we rather than demanding that they come to me, okay. I had to look around and I had to decide, first of all, I had to note where am I? I'm at this part of them all. And I said to my wife, uh, you know, where are you guys? Right. And and it's making our way. I don't know where that is. And she said, Well, what about can you find this point?

SPEAKER_01 7:22

Well, here's the thing. How does that relate to our relationships and how we navigate those? I mean, you can't fix another person.

SPEAKER_00 7:30

Right. Right? I think all too often we look at people and we say, I need you to be different. I need you to change. If you will change, then I. I can't tell you how many times I've had someone sit in my office, sit down with their partner, and say, if you could change him or if you could change her, if they would just stop doing this, then I could. And you think about the loss of power, the loss of autonomy, the loss of all the good things in the relationship. Right. Because it's solely focused on the other person.

SPEAKER_01 8:04

Well, and even when when we over-identify with feeling as though I'm responsible for your behavior. Right. So we've now put on the other person, hey, if you change, then I'll be better. We put a responsibility on somebody that they can't do. So wait sounds like a great idea to me. So, what do you do when somebody will not change their behavior and you're working on you?

SPEAKER_00 8:34

You know, with the concept of weight, where am I in this, in this moment? What do I think? What do I feel? What do I believe? And what am I experiencing? I think that how when we begin to ask these questions, it truly orients us on the map of our life so that we have a better shot of showing up ourselves and having the kind of power and influence in life, in in moments that is truly ours.

SPEAKER_01 9:07

Oh, that is so helpful. What do I think? What do I feel? What do I believe? And what do I experience? So, in other words, they're all connected. And that sounds like that's your, I guess you'd call that like the framework of a house that you're building.

SPEAKER_00 9:24

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

Right?

SPEAKER_00 9:26

Yeah.

The Abandoned House Inside You

SPEAKER_01 9:26

And that's what weight will help all of us with.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

It will. And speaking of a framework of a house, okay. I often say to people who sit in my office, what happens to an abandoned building?

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 9:41

It's filled with rodents, insects, spiders, broken things. I don't know. I'd rather talk about broken bottles. Well, and snakes.

SPEAKER_01 9:53

Ooh.

SPEAKER_00 9:54

Right? It's filled with all these things that they're not things that we want to. Well, I mean, some people want them, but yeah, I don't necessarily want them.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

They are things that in a building you really can't use and actually take away from the beauty and the usefulness of the building.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 10:10

Right?

SPEAKER_00 10:11

Yeah, and it begins to wear down quickly. Oh, that's a good point. Because what happens is that we often find ourselves living life in other people's front yards, meaning we're trying to change their building. We're trying to change their home, and we abandon ours.

SPEAKER_01 10:30

So when we get back, what happens? And I find all these things, how would that relate to my internal experience of me?

SPEAKER_00 10:37

I think it it's a it's a cleanup job.

SPEAKER_01 10:40

What am I cleaning up?

SPEAKER_00 10:41

All the things that I've left undone, all the ways that I've focused on everybody else, but missed me. I had somebody in my office just a few weeks ago who has lived their life externalizing, trying to change everything else, everybody else. If my kids would be better, if my wife would be better, if my boss would be better, if the barista would have just done it differently. They finally came back to themselves. And Lila, they talked for almost an hour nonstop about all the things that they were having to grieve.

SPEAKER_01 11:17

Oh, that just gives me chills to think that they'd been missing that and yet it was still there, active inside of them.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

Yes. And those are all those insects and those rodents and the tearing down of their building because they had lost sight of themselves in the midst of everything going on.

SPEAKER_01 11:38

So if after they started seeing themselves and they came back for subsequent sessions and kind of thinking through the framework of what am I thinking, what am I feeling, what am I believing, what am I experiencing, and pushing that pause button to wait, where am I in this? Were they able to show up more authentically, even if it was sometimes a little uncomfortable or unpleasant?

Grief And The Myth Of Happy

SPEAKER_00 12:06

Yes. And sometimes it was just downright painful.

SPEAKER_01 12:09

Ooh.

SPEAKER_00 12:10

Because experiencing what they experienced, they had to experience the disappointment with their kids. They had to experience the disappointment with their wife.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

That is a great point, Lee. Say more about that.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

You know, when things go in a way that we don't want them to go, there is a sense of grief that we have to walk through.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

Why do we think pain is something we can escape or grief is something we can escape in life, right?

SPEAKER_00 12:37

Yeah, I that's a great question. And I think it's something that we don't want to experience negativity. We don't want to experience the pain. We don't know that that truly suffering has its place.

SPEAKER_01 12:50

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 12:51

And we don't I don't know that I think we've bought the idea that joy needs to come without suffering.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

Yes. And do you, I know in my sessions a lot with my clients, I hear the term, I just want them to be happy. I just want my kids to be happy. I just want my sister to be happy. I I just want to be happy. We hear that term a lot. How would you relate what you're talking about right now with suffering and that statement and how weight would help with that?

SPEAKER_00 13:27

I think that it's that we want them to be happy, but we don't have control over that. Awesome. We want people to experience certain things, but we don't have control over that. But what we tend to do is try to take control. We try to give them what we believe is going to make them happy. Oh. And what ends up happening is we end up in a place that's not ours to be. So we're not wanted there.

SPEAKER_01 13:57

Isn't that amazing how that relates to not even knowing where I am on the map?

SPEAKER_00 14:02

Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

And then I try to pull somebody else to somewhere I think they want to be, I'm not letting them find themselves on the map.

Self Awareness Builds A Better We

SPEAKER_00 14:10

That's exactly right. Okay. That's exactly right. I think that this all boils down to, and I'm going to use some some technical jargon here, but it boils down to an intra-personal awareness, which that's just a fancy word for saying self-awareness. Yeah. It's understanding self. That if we don't bring a healthy understanding me to we, meaning the interpersonal, which is that is the between us. Right. If we don't experience that, if we don't bring a healthy whole self to a relationship, then we can be a little bit of a bull in a china shop.

The Seed Packet And Control Illusions

SPEAKER_01 14:52

That's so true. And be totally off. It's kind of like a um, I like to use this example quite often. And if it's okay, I'd love to interject it here when we're talking about we. And it I just had a funny corny dad moment in my head where the word we is actually in between. W-E is in the word between. W-E. Right. Yeah. And so between us, if when I was younger, my grandmother took a seed packet of mixed seeds, just random, you know, wildflower mixed seeds, threw it on the table, and she said, Okay, Lila, tell me who what seed is what plant. Well, I was totally bamboozled. I had no idea. Okay, I can get a sunflower seed, I understand that, or a watermelon seed. And and I just said, gosh, I I don't know. I'm gonna have to learn. She said, Well, let me ask you this. If you picked out one of those seeds and thought, oh, I want this to be a sunflower, and you put it in the ground and you watered it and you you fertilized it and you did everything to make it a sunflower, and it comes out as a watermelon vine, and you get mad at the plant because it's not what you wanted it to be instead of discovering what it actually was inside of it. I don't know. Are you are you picking up what I'm putting down?

SPEAKER_00 16:20

Picking it up. I'm picking it up. Right? All too often we want people to be a sunflower when they're really a watermelon.

SPEAKER_01 16:26

Yes, yeah. So it's that external focus that I have this illusion of control. That's right. And then I start mind reading, right? And then I'm in this pattern loop, right? Okay, totally. So that's gonna mess up the we big time.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

It does because we can't, we don't allow people to to show up who they are because we aren't showing up who we are.

SPEAKER_01 16:55

Oh, so true.

Values Based Boundaries With Friends

SPEAKER_00 16:57

I I think that this whole system, the wait, where am I in this? Our hope for this is that people could learn who they truly are, what they truly bring to the table, and how they are designed to move through life. So that there is a level of authenticity that I can allow, if I understand who I am and how I move through the world, then I can begin to understand how you who you are and how you move through the world. And I am not, the hope is that we do not try to force each other, being a watermelon, to become a sunflower.

SPEAKER_01 17:44

Right. It's not possible.

SPEAKER_00 17:45

It's just not it and it creates a lot of strife and a lot of pain. And our hope is is that people can really discover who they are, right? Who we are, so that we can offer who we are to this world, so that we can embrace each other even in all of our differences.

SPEAKER_01 18:03

Lee, what I'm hearing you say in that too is that we leave space for another person to be themselves without us judging that, because we've now occupied the space of me, so I can leave space for you to be you. That may sound like a lot of the word space, but I I do think that's important. If I'm trying to make everybody be exactly what I think they should be, or there's that word should or ought to be, right? But I just wait, just know me. That leaves a lot of security and safety within so that I don't have to enter a difficult situation or a difficult person, I don't have to be in the presence of a difficult person with a lot of angst and fear, right?

SPEAKER_00 18:58

Yeah, it's so interesting talking to people that do find themselves being lost in those types of situations. And I think when we feel pressured to be something or someone for someone else, yes, I think we look at that as a dashboard light. And we say to ourselves, I'm feeling this pressure. I feel like I'm being asked to be pulled outside of myself, to be something I don't believe I am or want to be. That dashboard light reminds us, come back to me, ask the question wait, where am I in this moment? Right. What am I thinking? I had somebody recently say to me, I have this really good friend and she constantly has a lot of opinions. And she tries to pull me into these opinions.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

Right.

SPEAKER_00 19:53

And I don't share them. I don't share those opinions. What do you do? And I asked her, I said, would you ask yourself, where am I in this moment? She said, Yeah, I'm disgusted. I said, with who? She said, with my friend. And I said, Is that an external focus or an internal focus? She said, It's external. I'm focused on them. I said, Okay, start there and bring it back in. She said, Okay, well, why am I disgusted? Because I don't like this. Great, stay with that. Tell me why you don't like this. Because I don't want to participate in running someone down. I don't want to participate in talking crap on somebody. And I said, Great, tell me why. And she said, Because it's not authentically or genuinely who I am.

SPEAKER_01 20:42

It goes against her values, it sounds like that's exactly right. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 20:47

And so she said, Well, what do I do now? And I said, Well, if you know it goes against your values, you have certain choices. You can say, you know, I don't enjoy talking about these kinds of things. Could we talk about something else? There you go. She was like, Well, that kind of feels abrupt and that doesn't fit me. And I said, Well, good on you for knowing. So, what's another option? You can gently change the subject. You can get up and leave the conversation. You can say, you know, I actually really like so-and-so. Or here's something positive about them. Or, and this is the one that she chose, hey friend, where are you in that?

SPEAKER_01 21:32

Oh, I love that.

SPEAKER_00 21:34

I said, Wow, that's that's very forward. She said, Yeah, but I do want to know because I want to know my friend better. So she chose, hey friend, where are you in that? Why does that bother you about that? Like, I'd like to learn more about you, not them.

SPEAKER_01 21:49

Isn't that brilliant? And isn't that kind?

SPEAKER_00 21:54

I think so. Because I think it's it's asking her friend rather than talking about. All these other people, it's asking her friend to tell me what's the impact on you.

Self Centering Versus Self Indulgence

SPEAKER_01 22:04

Right. You know, Lee, I can see where perhaps there could be a misinterpretation of where am I in this as though it's self-seeking, self-centered. But if you take that phrase, self-centered, and turn it around to center yourself, then you enter, you enter a discussion that's difficult or a conflict in a more adult place where you can be more kind to yourself and to the other person.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

I think so.

SPEAKER_01 22:37

It's a little hard to be kind to other people if you're not being kind to yourself.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

Absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 22:42

And so I I think that's where some may ask, well, what do I do when someone won't change their behavior? Like in that conversation, when let's just pretend that the friend didn't stop talking about the other person, then there are other options to remain with where you are. Is that what I'm hearing you say?

SPEAKER_00 23:02

100%. Okay. 100%. Because often the friend won't stop talking about other people.

SPEAKER_01 23:07

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 23:08

Because I'm so glad you brought up the self-indulgent part. Right. Because I firmly believe that self-indulgence is asking the environment to give me what I want, not seeking what you need internally.

SPEAKER_01 23:27

Oh, that's good.

SPEAKER_00 23:28

And so, yes, self-indulgence is a is something that we want to steer away from. Yeah. But again, I'm not asking you to indulge me. Somebody said, Well, self-indulgence, it's like I my little indulgences is like stop and get, you know, coffee, or I I go do a workout. And I'm like, is that an indulgence? Or do you mindfully understand that that's genuinely what you need in that moment?

unknown 23:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:55

I I think that's an important statement is I'm gonna show up as me because I care about, I do care about me, but I also care about the environment. I care about other people.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 24:07

And if I am able to live a life where I am me, then I can make space for you to be you. I can understand my preferences and that my preferences may not be yours. Therefore, we create a true space for us to coexist.

SPEAKER_01 24:25

I love that, Lee. Our world, our culture, our country needs that right now more than ever.

SPEAKER_00 24:32

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 24:33

And I think if if if I miss me, then I miss you. If I show up rigid, then I'm not open, I'm closed. I'm not open to know where you are. And and rigidity usually comes out of fear and hiding or shame or wanting to be accepted, but putting up that wall that if you don't, I'm gonna be against you.

Adam, Where Are You? Internal Questions

SPEAKER_00 25:01

No, that actually works perfectly because I I'm I'm sitting here thinking about in the Christian Bible, there's the story of creation. And in creation, you have Adam and Eve who they ate from a tree that they were instructed not to eat from. It was the tree of the knowledge of good versus evil. I call it the tree of judgment. And as soon as they did, God's first question to Adam was, Adam, where are you? I don't believe that it was a location question. I believe that their GPS tracker was a firmly firmly affixed onto their ankle. For sure. But uh, I had somebody the other day ask me, like, do you think GPS technology was invented back then? I was like, no, I was joking. Maybe. Um, but it's it wasn't a location question, it's a call to be introspective. Why did I do what I just did?

SPEAKER_01 25:56

Oh, that is so powerful. Say that again, please.

SPEAKER_00 26:02

Why did I do what I just did? It wasn't a location, it wasn't a location question. Yes, it was a call to introspect. Why did I do what I just did? Where was I in that? What was I thinking? What was I feeling? What was I experiencing? What was I believing? You'll note that in that story, as it goes on, Adam's response was, Well, as they go on, it was you, it was that woman you made. He talks to Eve. Well, it was that serpent you made. It was an externalization. Yeah, it was a missing of themselves. And that is the cornerstone of wait, where am I in this?

SPEAKER_01 26:41

Sounds like we've been doing that since that moment.

SPEAKER_00 26:44

I think we've been doing that since the beginning of time.

SPEAKER_01 26:47

Avoiding knowing where we are in that moment. Right. The fear of doing something wrong or being seen as failing at something.

SPEAKER_00 26:55

Yes. We fail to speak up in conversations that we need to speak up in because we think, oh, I don't want them to think this of me.

SPEAKER_01 27:03

Right.

SPEAKER_00 27:04

We fail to understand what it is we need, and we go on seemingly in a really martyr sort of sense, saying, Oh, well, they need this. I don't need anything. We overlook ourselves.

unknown 27:20

Right.

SPEAKER_00 27:21

And we don't check in with who we are, with with what we need. We don't check in with those things.

SPEAKER_01 27:28

Lee, this is so helpful. I am so grateful that you took the time to not just build this framework, but put it in writing so that many, many people have access to it. And it it's a difference maker. It really is, if we can just learn to practice this. Yeah. Thanks. Because so many of us do feel lost.

SPEAKER_00 27:51

I think we do. And I think it's if we can pause and we can ask ourselves, where did we where did I lose me?

SPEAKER_01 27:59

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 27:59

If we can pause and ask ourselves, wait, where am I in this?

SPEAKER_01 28:05

There's so much more to this.

SPEAKER_00 28:08

Thanks for listening to Wait. Let's talk about that. I hope this episode gave you a moment to pause, reflect, and notice where you might have disappeared in your own life or relationships. Remember, Healthy Connection starts with showing up fully as yourself and bringing a me to we.

SPEAKER_01 28:29

That is so important. And if you enjoyed today's conversation, please subscribe so you don't miss our future episodes and share this podcast with someone who might benefit from it. Until next time, try to remember this week when you're navigating your life and your relationships to take a moment and ask yourself, where am I in this? See you next time.